Mo Money Mo Problems

Thursday June 24th, 2010

Solitary 49


“With K-Money still shaking out the cobwebs from his earlier assault from SC, Brandon measures him up before knocking the SHIT out of him with a standing Samoa Joe-like Enzuigiri that puts the Hustla down."

Blinding lights....all I see is blinding lights.....


“Brandon then outright smashes K-Money with a KICK TO THE FUCKING FACE. While he tried to struggle to his feet, Brandon grabs him by the waist and grunted heavily before DRIVING him into the mat with a wicked German Suplex that landed K-Money right on the top of his head. K-Money lays there for a few moments”



Where am I? Who are all these people? The last thing I remember is rescuing some of my African brothers from an underground human trafficking operation, I took them to a hotel and now I’m waking up here? WHAT THE FUCK!?!? I look around hoping something will jog my memory but I can't remember any of it, I bring my hand up to my face, WHERE THE FUCK IS MY MASK!?!?! I'm laying here in front of thousands of people I don’t know how I got here and I don't have my mask on? Do they know? No, they can't know because if they knew my secret identity the air would fill with panties as all these women flung their moist knickers in my direction in hopes of their scent attracting the man of their dreams. Meanwhile all the men in the arena would be hoisting me up on their shoulders to commend my greatness but none of that is happening. I'm laying here with a splitting headache and none of these people seem to give a damn so they can't possible know my secret identity, good. Just in case though, I better get out of here, this is a little bit too high profile for my liking.




“In a move that shocks everyone..



.. he just walks away.




He walks away from the ring area, and makes his way up the ramp, not even taking a second to glance back at his partner. He soon disappears behind the curtain with Cage looking on in disbelief.”


Later That Night

We see K-Money walking down a New Jersey City street talking to himself.

K-Money:It just doesn’t make sense, I’ve always been so careful but earlier tonight... why can’t I remember anything?

Just then K-Money walks by a small electronics shop and sees his face on a t.v. in the window. He rushes into the electronics store with his eyes glued to the television.

Television: L-I-V-E LIVE Saturday, July 3rd, 2010 from the Prudential Center in Newark, NJ and only on CBS! PWE CLASH OF THE CHAMPIONS II: HIGH STAKES! Will K-Money be able to stop the Insane Delgado?

K-Money looks on as a video package of HHH beating the living hell out of him for the past month plays after watching his brutal beatings at the hands of HHH K-Money’s eyes light up.

K-Money:I think I’ve got it! This PWE wrestling organization must be a front for underground human trafficking and I must have infiltrated their organization under this “K-Money” alias. How tacky, I can’t believe I couldn’t come up with a better wrestling name than that, I must have got the idea from that T-Money jerk off from battle dome.


One of the workers at the store overhears K-Money talking to himself and can’t help but interrupt

Worker: Human trafficking? Are you serious? The PWE is owned by a black guy....Christian Connolly.

K-Money:Never heard of him but suddenly my house nigga sense is going crazy! That can mean only one thing, this Christian Connolly is nothing more than uncle tom using his “wrestling company” as a way to cover up the fact that he is secretly in cahoots with none other than.... THE MAN!

Worker: The Man?

K-Money: THATS RIGHT, THE MAN!!!! My arch nemesis who wants nothing more than to see to it that the black race suffers. Who bleached Michael Jackson’s skin and brain washed him to want to touch little boys? THE MAN! Who turned a little African princess into a urinal then altered the tapes to make it look like R-Kelly was the culprit? THE MAN! Malcolm X and Martin Luther King? Tupac and Biggie? Hurricane Katrina? THE MAN, THE MAN, THE MAN!!!!

Worker: Dude, your half black and half Mexican.... you don’t even look black.

K-Money: Don’t let outward appearances fool you because beneath my beige exterior beats a heart of pure darkness.

Worker: Like Peter Gilmour?

K-Money: Who?

Worker: Forget it, K-Money.... you should really see a doctor.

With that the worker walks off leaving K-Money by himself.

K-Money: Yuck, K-Money, this crappy alias makes my skin crawl but whatever, can’t change it now. At least he called me by that and not my real name so I don’t have to make sure he has some kind of “accident”. Anyway, I know a little more about what I was doing but none of this explains why I can’t remember anything. Hmm, maybe somebody found me out and slipped something into my drink, whatever the case may be I need to make sure I’m at this Clash Of The Champions event. However until then I need to figure out where my gear is, I haven’t done something to help the black race in a while and my veins are starting to yearn for an injection of “job well done”.

With that K-Money leaves the electronic store and continues to try and piece together his lost memories but has no luck. After walking a few blocks K-Money gets another wide eyed look on his face like he did at the electronic shop. This time its a comic book store and inside he sees a Black Panther costume.

K-Money: Its not as good as my gear but it’ll do.

K-Money walks into the comic book store and walks directly up to the cashier and points to the Black Panther costume.

K-Money: I don’t care how much it is, I want it but I want to try it on first.

Cashier: Well normally I’d say know but its not every day I have a famous wrestler in the shop so I’ll make an exception.

The cashier fetches the costume and points K-Money towards the bathroom, the cameras follow K-Money into the bathroom because... well... the PWE camera guys are perverted, I mean they do film J-Dub promos. The cameraman shows a little common courtesy as he waits outside of the bathroom stall, a few moments later out walks K-Money in the black panther costume. He looks in the mirror and grins.

K-Money:Oh yeah...

K-Money starts feeling his pants pockets, no wallet.

K-Money: Well it looks like I’m gonna have to confiscate this on behalf of ending black oppression.

K-Money punches right through the bathroom window and crawls out, the cameras struggle to keep up as he dashes through the back alleys for block after block until he thinks he is far enough away from the comic shop to quit running. He doesn’t stop moving though, he quickly scurries up a fire escape until he reaches the top of the building where he sits on the ledge to catch his breath. After a few moments K-Money breaks into his Batman/Christian Bale or Rorschach/Jackie Earle Haley voice whichever you prefer.

K-Money: This is my city...

The door that leads from the inside of the building to the roof flys open and a man is dragging a screaming women onto the roof.

K-Money (in his normal voice):Um hello, trying to give my “this is my city” speech here.

Woman:HELP! He’s trying to rape me?

K-Money: And...

Man: See, nobody cares about you bitch.

Woman:But you’re a super hero

K-Money: Yeah but you’re white so you fall into the “not my fucking problem” category, see ya.

K-Money gets ready to make his way back down the fire escape when the women screams out.

Woman: BUT I SLEEP WITH BLACK MEN!

K-Money: Well in that case...

K-Money rushes over and destroys the rapist with a single punch then gets ready to head down the fire escape once again but the women calls out again.

Woman: Wait, what’s your name?

K-Money turns back to her and says...

K-Money: I’m the protector of all things black, I’m the man who will bring The Man to his knees by any means necessary, I am.... not gonna tell you because these fucking cameras have been following me all day and I’m not giving away my secret.

With that the women's mouth drops open and K-Money rushes down the fire escape as the cameras fade to black.


Wednesday June 30th, 2010


Our scene opens the camera pans around a busy city street and comes to a stop on a local convenience store but as we look closer we see that the store isn't what the camera is focusing on. No, the camera is focusing on the dead sexy brand new green and black Chevrolet Camaro Z28 SS, the license plates on the car read "K-Money” but nobody even notices that. Everybody is to busy cleaning the droll from their mouths which has now fallen into their laps and combined with the jizz in their pants creating one giant puddle of spit and jizz. So basically all the viewers are getting to experience what it would be like if they were Michelle Duggar for a day for a day... you know... because having a lap full of spit and jizz is an everyday occurrence for her . Anyway the camera slowly pans away from the Camaro giving everybody ample time to to clean up their underwear babies. Of course since we had something that made the male viewers jizz so we had to give the ladies something that would do the same so the next thing we see is K-Money of course. What, don’t believe me? Inspect your girlfriends ham wallet right now but be sure to wear a rain coat because their is a flash flood warning in effect for her lower region. Wait a second, is this a K-Money promo or a J-Dub promo, shit its hard to tell anymore... Back to reality I think, we see K-Money posted up (Leaning up against the wall for the slang challenged) in the alley on the side of the building. He’s just sitting there minding his own business when two cop cars pull up and turn their sirens on. Cops roll out of their police cars like clowns at a circus and surround K-Money but he doesn’t look worried at all, just a little confused.

Cop#1: Excuse me sir is this your vehicle?

K-Money: Yeah, what the hell is going on?

Cop#2: Were gonna need to search your vehicle

K-Money: I’m gonna need a....

A cop hands him a warrant

K-Money: Proceed.

K-Money gives them the keys and the first thing they do is check the trunk where they pull out the Black Panther costume.

Cop#1: Sir were placing you under arrest for grand larceny.

K-Money: WHAT THE FUCK!?!? That shit ain’t mine!

Cop#2: Well its in your car, put your hands behind your back.

K-Money:OH HELL NAW!

K-Money grabs a cop with each hand and slams their heads together, they fall to the ground holding their heads. One of the other cops pulls out a baton and tries to hit K-Money with it, K-Money moves and rips the baton out of the cops hand and hits him in the face with it. There are only two more cops left standing, one pulls out a tazer and shoots K-Money with it. Somehow with electricity surging through his body K-Money summons inhuman strength to push forward and grab the last two cops. All three of them fall to the ground in an electrified heap. The cameras once again fade to black.

“As reported earlier in the week Kris "K-Money Carter was arrested. Well now it seems things have turned for the worse as K-Money has been labeled as mentally unstable after repeatedly attacking guards and other prisoners as well as exhibiting characteristics of someone with multiple personality disorder. K-Money has been transferred to an unknown mental health facility until further notice.”

Friday July 2nd, 2010

Our scene opens once again as we see a security guard sitting in his little security booth outside of a large fenced in building which has a large sign above it. The sign reads, “Tucker Psychiatric Center”. As you’ve figured out by now this is the mental health institution where K-Money is being held because if it wasn’t there would be no reason for the PWE cameras to be showing it to you right now unless they just wanted to fuck with your head and thats exactly what they are doing because the scene now changes... or does it? It doesn’t the cameras just zoom in on the pudgy security guard as he eats his coffee and doughnuts and watches “Deal Or No Deal” on his crappy little television inside his crappy little security booth. It seems as though all is well until a pink Cadillac with its windows tinted blacker than Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton combined pulls up to the security gate honking its horn. The security guard is a little pissed he has to get up off his fat ass and see what the asshole driving the Cadillac once but he does it anyway because he wants to keep collecting a pay check. As soon as the security officer steps out of the security booth whoosh a blow dart hits him right in the throat and the guard slips into unconsciousness almost immediately. Out of the shadows steps a ninja in all black, he approaches the down security officer and pulls the blow dart out of his throat before dragging his motionless body into the security booth for safe keeping. Next the ninja takes the security guard’s security card and opens the gate allowing the pink Cadillac to enter. Once the pink Cadillac enters the ninja closes the security gate and slips in just before the automatic gate shuts. The door to the Cadillac opens and out steps... any guesses? Come on, pink Cadillac, still no clue? ITS J-DUB! Who is wearing a doctors outfit complete with white latex gloves. J-Dub pulls on one of the gloves and lets go of it causing it to make a snapping noise, he then looks directly at the ninja.

J-Dub:Are you ready for your prostate exam.

The ninja angrily rips his mask of and reveals himself to be none other than... come on you gotta know this one. Jesus Christ you people are bad at guesses, ITS DIEGO VELEZ!

Diego: Number one, you’re a sick bastard, and number two we aren’t here so you can live out your fantasies of being elbow deep in some guy’s asshole. We are here to bust K-Money out remember.

J-Dub: Bust K-Money out, sexual innuendo anyone?

Diego smacks his forehead

Diego:I hate you

J-Dub: Thats too bad because later on I was hoping me and you could get together for a double entendre or perhaps a manage a trois.

You can see the frustration on Diego’s face building and building

Diego: Do you just sit at home all day and think this crap up then hope a situation arises where you can use it?

J-Dub: No darling I sit at home all day and see how many situations arise in my pants then I make booty calls and they tell me where I can use it.

Diego: Seriously? It’s like I’m talking to an unfunny gay version of Glen Quagmire

J-Dub: Giggity...giggity...heeeeeeey

Diego: Aight Dr.Homo, enough of this crap, you at least remember the plan right.

J-Dub: Of course, we use the security guards key code to get into the building and if anybody asks I’m bringing you in to have you committed because you think you’re a ninja. You look cute in that ninja outfit by the way.

Diego:Shut up and follow me.

J-Dub: Mmmm, my pleasure.

Diego and J-Dub use the security guards key card to enter the building and slowly make their way to where K-Money is being kept. Once the ward where K-Money is being kept is in sight Diego and J-Dub nearly shit their pants, they weren’t expecting this kind of security. The security on the outside of the building was lacking because they aren’t worried about people getting in but the security on this ward is insane because they are making damn sure nobody is getting out. There are four guards on the outside of the ward and four more on the inside. As soon as they see J-Dub and Diego their eyes never deviate from them.

Guard#1: Who are you and what are you doing here?

J-Dub:Oh I’m the new doctor here and he’s a new patient

Guard#1:Oh really? Well that guy walking up behind you is head doctor he so why don’t we ask him about that.

J-Dub: IT WAS ALL HIS IDEA!

J-Dub points to Diego

Diego:Asshole....

Head Doctor: Arrest these two Idiots

Unknown Voice:Hold it right there.

Everybody turns their attention and coming through the door with a police and lawyer escort is K-Money’s wife, Sabrina Carter.

Sabrina:I’m here to pick up my husband, all charges against him have been dropped.

Head Doctor: I seriously doubt that the many charges against your husband have been dropped.

The lawyer hands him some paper work.

Head Doctor: Well I guess I was wrong, but that doesn’t excuse these two from breaking into a government facility.

The lawyer hands the head doctor a wad of money.

Sabrina:Now what were you saying.

Head Doctor: All charges dropped.

Our cameras fade to black for the final time.

Closing Thoughts

What my husband is going through right now is absolutely horrible and letting him get back inside that wrestling ring is probably the worst thing I can do but that is exactly what I intend on doing. I’ve already spoken with PWE, Kris signed the releases and just in case Kris’ mental state comes into question I also signed the releases. Kris will defend his PWE Universal Title against HHH at Clash Of The Champions for better or for worse. Some people out there are probably going to make me out as some money grubbing gold digger who’s willing to put her husbands health on the line in order to keep his paychecks coming. Quite frankly as my husband would put it, “FUCK YOU MUTHA FUCKAS”, hey that felt kinda good, I could get used to “putting bitches in their place”. Anyway, I’ve known Kris for a long time, I met him at about the same time as T-Money and Sewaside, so I know what he is all about and I know what he would want. If any of you think that my husband would willingly forfeit his title then you don’t know him very well, hell you don’t know him at all. Out of all of the titles Kris has won over the years he only lost one on purpose and that was the XWF World Title because in order for him to become Anarchy GM he was told that he would have to drop the title so that’s exactly what he did. If he knew how much that decision was going to eat away at him he never would have done it which is exactly why I can’t let him forfeit his PWE Universal Title now. Besides do you know how pissed off he would be to have to forfeit his title to a career choke artist? HHH has already had two shots at the PWE Universal Title that he choked away and now he's weaseled his way into a third at my husbands expense. HHH I don't know what kind of mental condition my husband will be in when he gets in the ring with you but I hope that his mind invents some horrible personality just for you. Lets face it HHH, you deserve to be punished for what you've done not rewarded for it. You lost and because you had to be such a bitch about it I've got to explain to my children why their father doesn't remember them. Let that sit on your consience for a while HHH, and even if you do win at Clash Of The Champions will it really have been worth it? Are you really going to be happy beating my husband in his current condition? You'll go from being a choke artist to being somebody who can only beat weakened opponent. If you do win HHH, hooray for you, enjoy your tainted title win. Like I said though, I hope Kris becomes a monster in that ring and gives you the punishment you deserve. I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens.