Down With The King

Opening Thoughts

Its time for us to once again venture into the land rated 7 Gs. Ghetto, Gangsta, Gutter, Grimy, Gully, Guerrilla and Godlike The land where K-Money reigns supreme.... wait a second, THATS EVERYWHERE!!! However if I reign supreme why is it that nobody is giving me a shot in hell of beating Kieran King? Hold on maybe I need to re-introduce myself just in case ya’ll forgot who the fuck I am. Hello boys, girls, and bitch ass niggas of all ages, Hustle The Hardest Inc. Proudly brings to you your XWF Cruiserweight champion, PWE Vicious champion, and future XWF legend K-MONEY!!!! Still think I’m gonna lose? Oh wait I get it now its not that you think I’m gonna lose, you just WANT me to lose. Well in order for you to get what you want your going to have to give me something I want. Everybody wants me to lose to Kieran King, fine ya’ll better get a collection plate circulating around this mutha fucka because its gonna take a whole lot of zeros to get me to lay down for this over hyped fraud. I would ask why you all want me to lose so Kieran King so badly but its probably the same reason nobody wanted me to beat C2 or any of the other legends I’ve faced, they don’t want to see me succeed. Ya’ll look at mutha fucka like me and you get distracted by the bling, you get distracted by the hatefulness, and you get distracted by my lack of bitchassness. Yet while all of ya’ll mutha fuckas are distracted MY SKILLS BREAK YOUR MUTHA FUCKIN NECKS!

I mean come in, you ignorant pricks are really calling for Kieran King to whoop my ass this week? Okay, that’s fine, I’m going to predict that during this weeks main event the Loch Ness monster enter the stadium with Bigfoot riding shotgun munching on the freshly thawed brain of Walt Disney. Soon an army of aliens led by Tom Cruise will stop by to pick up the monsters and return them to their home planets. After all the commotion dozens of men in black will promptly erase the memory of everybody in attendance. Did you see that? Did you see how fuckin moronic I just sounded right there? Well the odds of my prediction happening are actually higher than that bullshit K-Money hate ya’ll are tryin to pass off as educated predictions. Alex, I’ll take K-Money’s losses for $1,000 please. Question – This superstar was the last person K-Money lost a singles match to. Remember to say your answer in the form of a question or you’ll be in Jeopardy of me kicking your teeth down your throat…I’m waitng people, XWF or PWE… Fine I’ll make it a homework assignment, ya’ll mutha fukas go ahead and look that shit up and get back to me BECAUSE I DON'T EVEN REMEMBER IT!!! Does that count as memory loss if you can't remember the last time you lost? I’m talking singles matches here because that’s all that matters, the only way these dirty mutha fukas can add losses to my record is by bookin me in gay ass tag matches with teammates like Peter Gilmour and Jason Stevens.

Seriously I know I’m all ripped and studly but even superman would collapse with that much dead weight on his shoulders. With all that being said I guess its time to address the elephant in the room, I may not have to carry any dead weight but I sure as hell am gonna have to deal with a whole lot of pressure coming from all directions. Have you ever had your priorities stretched to their breaking point? Well I hadn't until now. The plan was to join PWE and absolutely obliterate any curtain jerker stupid enough to get into the ring with me, mission accomplished. The XWF was never apart of my plans but of course they had to draw me in with that title shot battle royal. I win the title shot and then go on to smash Q.C. Wanksta in record time to once again become XWF Cruiserweight Champion. It was at this point I realized how much I truly fucked myself, Dan Fierce you can wipe that little smirk off your face right now because you know damn well I don’t mean literally. Unless you’re talking about me literally smacking the fag out of you, that’s right bitch I’ll smack you so fuckin hard you’ll switch teams.

As I was sayin, now I'm obligated to make appearances at both XWF and PWE shows. Short term, fine, I can handle it but in the long run can I handle this kind of workload? Fuck no, maybe I could have pulled that shit off in my prime but not now, I'm honestly surprised that I've been able to pull it off this long. Not only that, except for that horrible tag team cluster fuck at LOTR, I'm undefeated since returning. Wins and losses aren't what I'm afraid of though, what worries me is my body holding up against the constant punishment I'm putting it through. I already tweaked an old knee injury but who knows what will happen next? Thats why I released a public statement sayin that once I lost the Cruiserweight Title, that was it, no more XWF. So what does the XWF do in response? James Raven announces that he is vacating the XWF World Heavyweight title and a tournament will decided the new champion. THESE MUTHA FUCKAS GOT ME AGAIN!!!!Here I am ready to bow out of the XWF completely if I lose the Cruiserweight Title and they wave the World Heavyweight Title right in front of my face like I'm going to turn that offer down.Has Dan Fierce ever turned down a cock? Has Hunter Ryan ever turned down an opportunity to smack his bitch? HAS CENTURION EVER TURNED DOWN AN OPPORTUNITY TO BE MEDIOCRE? No, some things you just can’t change. In the Xmas Xtreme tournament I seemingly drew the easy side of the brackets. Now I’m not talking about aborting babies easy, I’m talking about Mia Sanchez easy, show her a dick and that bitches inhibitions are M-I-A.

In the first round I knocked off Peter Gilmour to advance, the match was a little bit too close in my opinion since I have more talent in my left nut than he has in his entire body. Whatever though, as much as I want to look godlike while getting every win, it’s all about results and an ugly win is still a win. In the second round of the tournament, I destroyed the mutant offspring of Howie Mandel and the kid from the “Powder” movie. I told everybody that Chasm would melt away under the spotlight and that’s exactly what he did, meanwhile with the spotlight shining bright I picked up another win and got a nice tan in the process. I know most of you are braindead fucktards but the majority of you can still see that the first and second rounds of the tournament didn't really give me that much of a problem. Yet here I am in the semi-finals realizing just how deep the shit is that I'm in. If I win my semi-finals match on Anarchy I'm going to have to turn right around and face either Famine Of The Vile or Davey Dunham for the World Heavyweight title at Xmas Xtreme.

If I happen to somehow manage to lose to Kieran King I’ll still have two matches at Xmas Xtreme. If I lose I’ll be booked in a match with Enrique Iglasias and whoever loses on the other side of the tourney. Oh by the way I also have to defend my cruiserweight title earlier in the night against C.H.A.D. , Brian Cady, and Q.C. Thug. Yeah I’m really sweating that match, two no talent bitches I’ve already beaten and Barney Green Version 2.0. Would ya’ll mutha fuckas like to book me in anything else? I understand that I put buts in the seats and the ratings plummet every time my face isn’t on the screen but Jesus Christ I’M NOT A FUCKIN ROBOT! The bad thing is the shit I mentioned is just what I have to go through on the XWF side of things. In PWE I have a shot at the PWE Universal Title at Clash of Champions but my PWE Vicious title is also on the line, fuck it, I’ll roll the dice because who needs luck when you’ve got talent right? Still to say that my plate is full and the stakes are high is the understatement of the century. I could either kick off the New Year as XWF Cruiserweight Champion, XWF World Heavyweight Champion, PWE Vicious Champion, and PWE Universal Champion. I could also kick of the New Year with no titles at all or some random combination of the four. Shit is starting to get real crazy and real serious around here so I'ma have to resort to what is becoming my standard answer to difficult questions these days and just say, FUCK IT! Its like a fuckin viagra commercial around here, either go hard or go home, YOU ALREADY KNOW HOW I DO! If ya don’t, ask your momma why she’s walkin funny…BITCH!

Do I even need to explain what happens here anymore; haven’t you been through this enough times to know the drill? Fine, the fuckin scene opens with enough intensity to send Brittany Murphy into cardiac arrest! Too soon? Big fuckin deal, if your vagina hurts then get some fuckin vagisil. As the scene opens we see K-Money sitting in his lime green 1964 Pontiac GTO convertible. In the background we see the Nation Wide Arena, and as we zoom in closer we see that there is a bottle of tequila in one hand and a blunt in the other hand. K-Money is takes a big hit off the blunt and chases it with some of the tequila, makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside…the tequila I mean. K-Money continues puffin on his green and chugging on his tequila until finally Diego Velez emerges from the Nation Wide Arena with duffel bags draped across both shoulders. He makes it over to the car and tosses both bags into the back seat.

Diego:Why did I have to carry all the bags again?

K-Money:Because your my bitch. I'm loaning you money for a house, got you matches in XWF and

PWE, and I'm gonna train you after you fall flat on your face in those matches. I think its the least you can do.

Diego: Wait a second, I thought I did pretty well in my PWE match. I mean I got eliminated by Dylan Cage, a PWE champion, that’s nothing to be upset about.

K-Money:Yeah well its nothing to write how about either, I doubt Dylan Cage would be able to compete with Dr.Emo or Centurion and they're holding the two lowest titles in the XWF.

Diego: Aren't you holding one of the lowest titles in PWE?

K-Money: Yeah smart ass, for now, we'll see what happens at Clash of Champions though. I'll finally get to prove that I'm by far the best wrestler PWE has to offer. Now hurry up and get in so we can get outa here.

Diego hops in the car as K-Money polishes of his blunt and bottle of tequila then starts the car up. The beastly engine roars for a moment then purrs like lion. Diego just kind of stares at K-Money as he gets ready to put the car in gear.

Diego:I'm no expert on American laws but isn't that illegal?

K-Money: Of course it is but I drive better when I'm high and I drive better when I'm drunk. SO since

I'm drunk and high I should drive like Mario Fuckin Andretti.

Diego: I'm almost positive it doesn't work that way

K-Money:Oh yeah?

K-Money puts the car in gear and stomps on the gas causing the engine to roar and the tires to squeal. The jolt of K-Money stomping on the back practically puts Diego in the back seat. The Car speeds out of the parking lot and onto the road just in time to get stopped by a red light and believe it or not K-Money actually stops for the light. Diego quickly buckles himself up, K-Money on the other hand just kind of smirks at him.

K-Money: Was it really that bad?

Diego: Honestly? YES!!!!

K-Money: Your such a…..

Two douche bags pulling up in their little pimped out Honda blasting horribly bad music aka Lil Wayne drown K-Money out. K-Money glares at them for a moment before reaching for his car stereo and turning on some real music, 8-Ball and MJG’s “You Don’t Want Drama” now drowns out the “music” coming from the Honda. Of course the douche bags in the Honda do what douche bags in Hondas always do, they rev their engine like they would have a chance in a race. K-Money now revs his engine to signify that it is in fact “ON”. The light now turns green, both cars squeal tires as they take off. The Honda shoots out in front first but is quickly left in the dust by the downright beastliness of K-Money’s Pontiac GTO but then things turn horrible wrong. A pregnant women isn’t paying attention and steps off the curb, K-Money sees her and slams on the breaks. The car screeches to a halt leaving skid marks that would put Peter QC Thug and Chasm to shame. Did I just refer to QC Thug and Chasm as skid marks? I SURE AS HELL DID! However this isn’t the time to worry about trivial things like that, K-Money may have just killed a pregnant woman. Even though K-Money saw her and was able to react, the car skids and the front bumper hits her with just enough force to knock her on her ass. The douche bags in the Honda speed of honking their horn and shooting K-Money the middle finger. Both K-Money and Diego quickly jump out of the GTO and rush to the front of the car.

Diego: ARE YOU OKAY!?!?

K-Money: I'M SO SORRY BABY! ARE YOU OK?!

Women: Yeah I’m fi….

The woman recognizes who K-Money is and proceeds to put on the worst acting performance in the history of bad acting performances. Yes, even worse than Dane Cook. She grabs her neck, then her back, then her belly and keeps alternating.

Women: Maybe I’m not okay.

K-Money: BITCH NOBODY WAS TALKIN TO YOU!!! I WAS TALKIN TO MY BABY!!!

Diego is just in shock of how cruel his cousin actually is. K-Money lies across the hood of his car hugging it and even gives it a little kiss.

K-Money: Its okay baby, I won’t let this fat bitch hurt you anymore.

The pregnant women jumps up to her feet and starts smacking K-Money across the back of the head, K-Money covers up in order to shield himself from the blows. Diego does his best to restrain the pregnant women.

Pregnant Women: I’M NOT FAT I’M PREGNANT ASSHOLE.

K-Money: Yeah and your also not hurt bitch!

Pregnant Women: SHIT!

K-Money: Yeah that’s right, you got busted you fuckin con artist so why don’t you get the fuck outa here before I run you over for real.

The women storms off angrily in the direction that she came from while K-Money and Diego hop back into the GTO. K-Money stomps on the gas again and speeding away from the site of the “accident”.

Diego: That was kind of cool in a completely asshole sort of way. I mean how did you know she wasn’t hurt?

K-Money: I didn’t.

Diego: So that wasn’t some elaborate plan to get her to expose herself as a money grubbing bitch looking sue your ass of just because your famous? You really were more worried about your car than you were a human life?

K-Money: Yeah basically.

Before Diego can respond we hear a siren and blue lights begin flashing in K-Money’s rear view mirror.

K-Money: Son of a bitch!

K-Money pulls the car over and the cop pulls in behind him. The cop exits his car and walks up to K-Money’s side of the car.

Cop: License and registration sir

K-Money’s phone begins to ring and he actually answers it.

K-Money: Hello….Oh hey man what’s up. Nah I forgot all about our appointment, I’ll head over to your office in a few minutes. I’m having some pig problems right now but this shouldn’t take very long. Oh and I’ll be bringing my cousin with me so see if you can come up with any ideas for him. Aight man, peace.

K-Money hangs up the phone

K-Money: Now what were you sayin?

Cop: I said license and registration sir.

K-Money: Oh, of course. Diego, grab the registration out of the glove box.

Diego opens the glove box and a huge bag of weed falls out right into his lap.

Cop: And what the fuck is that?

K-Money: Ah, that’s just my weed.

Cop: Are you fuckin retarded? You keep weed in your glove box then you actually admit that it’s yours?

K-Money: Yep, and you’re not even gonna give me a ticket

Cop: Oh really, why is that?

K-Money hands him his license, the cop looks it over for a moment then gets an excited look on his face.

Cop: Kris “K-Money” Carter, THE FAMOUS WRESTLER?

K-Money: That would be me

Cop: I’m so sorry, I thought you looked familiar but I just couldn’t figure out where I knew you from.

My sons love you; do you think I could get a couple of autographs?

K-Money: Sure, I got a few K-Money t-shirts in the trunk, I’ll sign those for ya.

K-Money and the cop walk around to the back of the car, K-Money pops the trunk to reveal a trunk FULL of weed. Sitting in the center of all of the bags of weed are three K-Money t-shirts. When the cop sees whats in the trunk his eyes get wide.

Cop: I can’t believe you have that in your trunk, THOSE SHIRTS ARE LIMITED EDITION COLLECTORS ITEMS!!!!

K-Money: Are you sure these are for your sons?

Cop: Not anymore, these bitches are going in the display case at my house!

K-Money signs all three of the t-shirts with a sharpie and hops back into the car. As the cop admires the t-shirts, K-Money does a burn out and speeds off again. Diego just looks at him and shakes his head in disbelief.

Diego: All right, your either the absolute stupidest and luckiest person I’ve ever met in my life or you’re the smartest person I’ve ever met. I have no idea which one it is.

K-Money: And that’s the way I like it.

The camera fades to black

******** Start Commercial ***********

Our commercial begins as it often does with the voice of the notorious Mr.Infomercial

Mr. Infomercial: For years now our enemies have been peddling this poor excuse of a Manuel and its about time it was addressed. If you or anybody you love fell into the trap of these con men and have purchased the book entitled “How To Beat K-Money” Hustle The Hardest Inc. Will buy it from you in order to make sure every copy of this slanderous book is destroyed. This book is filled with nothing but lies and if you tried to follow the instructions provided within the book K-Money would rip your head off your shoulders. Don’t take my word for it, K-Money is hear to explain to you exactly why this book isn’t worth the paper its printed on.

We now see K-Money sitting behind a desk looking like hes shooting a campaign video.

K-Money: I’ve been in the wrestling business practically my entire life and have been in the XWF on and off since it has been open so its no surprise to me that somebody would take it upon themselves to publish a book full of tricks that can be used in order to beat me. First of all out of fifty-nine matches I’ve lost fourteen. Six of those matches were tag team cluster fucks where I had a bunch of dead weight keeping me from victory. So over my entire career I’ve managed to only lose eight singles matches yet somebody knows the secrets to beating me? NIGGA PLEASE! Anyway, this scamtastic book starts off with the chapter entitled “Getting inside K-Money’s Head”. Right, like any of you jerk offs can get inside my head, are you fucking kidding me? I take people off their games; I don’t let other people take me off mine. However the book would have you believe that anybody can accomplish it just by mentioning how I’m in T-Money’s shadow, am T-Money’s clone, was carried by T-Money, and essentially wouldn’t be shit without the mighty T-Money around to save my ass. Let me say this shit real slow so you can understand it F-U-C-K - T-M-O-N-E-Y!

And don’t go running to T-Money talking about “T, K-Money said fuck you”. I’m not sayin the shit in order to diss him, I’m sayin it in order to help him. Do you really think T-Money’s nutsack can support the weight of the entire XWF clinging onto it for dear life? I’ve seen him try to walk around recently and I see the tears in his eyes every time he takes a step yet he’s too much of a fuckin soldier to say anything. T-Money would rather have his sack rip than show weakness in front of you dirt bags. Would you just let the man’s nuts swing free for once? See I don’t need T-Money to look good but you need to cling to his memory, his jock, HIS FUCKIN NUTS! In order to attempt to make me look bad, an attempt that nobody has succeeded at to this day. Your not fighting T-Money assholes your fighting me so anything that T-Money has done in his XWF career is irrelevant, FUCKING IRREALAVENT!

How about this I’ll stop using the big words and maybe you’ll get it. When your facing me pretend like T-Money’s career means the same thing that yours does, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! You wanna talk my tag title wins or my stable title win by all means feel free to dick ride T-Money all you want, I hope you end up with a punctured lung. But I won’t stop you from bringing out the same old T-Money made K-Money what he is today rhetoric, go ahead show how fuckin original you can be because that shit is more overused than a Ryan Brothers incest joke.. At least if you’re talking about the stable and tag titles you can be taken halfway seriously. If your bringing out that shit for a singles match though, congratulations YOU’RE FUCKIN GARBGAGE!!!! What it all boils down to is that you don't know me assholes, so don't try to fuckin pretend like you do. Or how about this, how about you stop being lazy and repeating everything that everybody else says and actually DO YOUR FUCKIN RESEARCH!!!!

On second thought I don’t trust any of ya’ll mutha fuckas to properly operate a computer or a book so I’ll give you the information myself. How about we start with my Hart Title victory over RVD, Jandromyte and Morgaine? It was my first match in the XWF, it was a ladder match, AND I WON EASILY! Oh that match also happened before T-Money ever joined the XWF but I guess since T-Money is so fuckin powerful that in reality I actually lost that match until T-Money used his time traveling ability to go back in time and help me win that match right? Then I guess he used his memory changing ability to make me think he had nothing to do with the match when in reality he is the only reason I won right? So are all of you idiots scientologists too? Thats about the only way possible you could be more idiotic than you already are. I guess I'll continue with this even though I'm trying to use logic on people with the IQ's of cinder blocks. My next title win was the Cruiserweight Title, which I won in a match against Wannabe and Killjoy or was it a singles match with Wannabe and my first title defense was against Wannabe and Killjoy? I’d tell you the answer to that question if I didn’t keep getting rick rolled by some fuckin Muppets. It doesn’t matter though, all that matters is that I walked in as the challenger standing on my own two feet and even though I walked in as the challenger I walked in holding the Cruiserweight Title. Just like I robbed QC Wanksta of his chains, I robbed Wannabe of his title because he didn’t deserve it. I proved that when I walked out of my match with Wannabe as the true Cruiserweight Champion. However since I was standing on my own two feet and he didn’t get directly involved of course T-Money used his mind control ability on me. He watched the match backstage on television and took control of my every action to guarantee me a victory over the amazing Wannabe because I obviously am incapable of beating ANY superstar that resides on the hall of legends.

After that Cruiserweight Title victory the next title win was against Christian Connolly in a an Ambulance match at Xmas Xtreme, how ironic. You know that was a brutal match and I remember taking a lot of hits to the head during it but what I don't remember is T-Money interfering in the match. Him interfering would make a lot of since though because at the time I believe I was either 5-0 or 6-0 against Connolly in singles matches. So yeah, Connolly was obviously due for a victory over me so obviously when I was dazed and slammed Christian Connolly through the top of the ambulance T-Money was really there giving me a helping hand. I must have been to out of it to notice T-Money helping me slam Connolly through the roof of the ambulance because there is no was possible I could have done that alone in my weakened state. I guess by the time I got up to slam the back door of the ambulance shut and win the match T-Money must have already made his exit through the crowd in order to keep me from seeing the help he had once again blessed me with.

To chalk up my most recent Cruiserweight Title win T-Money put his witch doctor skills on display, T-Money actually switched our souls for a couple of weeks. So while T-Money’s soul was in my body beating the shit out of C.H.A.D. and Peter Gilmour to earn the title shot then sodomizing QC Wanksta to win the Cruiserweight Title my soul was in his body sitting on the couch watching t.v. and eating cheetos. T-Money had never tried the soul switching thing before and he couldn’t figure out how to switch us back until after Lord Of The Ring. That explains why it appeared that I outlasted T-Money in the Team Raven vs Team Cash match. However what actually happened was that my soul in T-Money’s body was pinned by Centurion while T-Money’s soul in my body was able to outlast me and prove once again why I’m a worthless piece of shit and T-Money is just simply superior to me in every way. If you couldn’t tell you’ve just been overdosed with sarcasm, hopefully you die from it like Heath Ledger or DJ Am. The fact that anybody can attribute all of my success to T-Money is laughable at best. If he carried me to everything I’ve been able to accomplish in the XWF, explain this one to me. WHY THE FUCK AM I WINNING WITHOUT HIM HERE?!?!?!

Ya’ll mutha fuckas are quick to holler T-Money’s name every week but the fact of the matter is you don’t have to get into the ring with him, you gotta get into the ring with me AND I OWN ALL OF YOUR ASSES! But wait that doesn’t explain why I’m not stuck T-Money’s shadow does it? Well that me take care of that right now so I don’t leave you assholes with any loop holes to talk shit about. When it comes to being in T-Money’s shadow lets take a look at that shall we. T-Money’s record stands somewhere close to 40-10-0 while mine is 45-14-4. I’ve been in more matches, have more wins and also have more losses/draws but really the records aren’t THAT different and we’ve basically faced the same level of competition. Well then the titles must clearly put T-Money light-years ahead of me in the accomplishment department right? 1x Universal Champion, 1x World Heavyweight Champion, 1x Xtreme Champion, 1x Stable Champion, 1x Tag Champion Vs 1x World Heavyweight Champion, 2x Cruiserweight Champion, 1x Hart Champion, 1x Stable Champion, 1x Tag Champion.

That would be 5 titles for T-Money and 6 titles for me, we both have world, tag, and stable title victories. My hart title trumps his Xtreme Title however that leaves my two Cruiserweight Title wins to compare to his one Universal Title win, of course the Universal Title wins that matchup. So your telling me that I’m stuck in T-Money’s shadow simply because I haven’t won a Universal title? I CALL BULLSHIT!!!! Lets not forget that I was offered the opportunity to face T-Money for his Universal title because I’m a team player and the agreement the Blood Hounds have always had is that Blood Hounds don’t fight Blood Hounds. So I cashed in my title shot against Christian Connolly instead and the management awarded the Universal title shot to Lee Stone. The same night I beat Christian Connolly for the World Heavyweight Title, Lee Stone beat T-Money for the Universal Title. So would you scrotum leaches please explain to me exactly why I’m in T-Money’s shadow again? Still can’t get over the fact that he has won a Universal title and I haven’t, well then HOW MANY UNIVERSAL TITLES HAVE YOU WON ASSHOLE! Oh look at that, I bet that levels the playing field a lot doesn’t it because most of the pricks telling me I’m stuck in T-Money’s shadow haven’t even won the World Title yet. You shouldn’t throw punches if you have a glass jaw, right bitches?

Mr. Infomercial: Wrap em up, bag em, and fuckin toe tag em. That was your public service announcement for the day, shut the fuck up about T-Money or there may be a casket in your future. The ball is in your court, how about you dick heads do something original with it for a change?

With that our commercial comes to an end

***** End Commercial******

Our scene reopens in a quite little office building, through the door walks Diego and K-Money who stop at the receptionists desk.

K-Money: K-Money and Diego to see Desmond Smith

Receptionist: Ok, I’ll let him know you hear.

The receptionist dials up Desmond and and lets him know whats going down then turns her attention back to K-Money and Diego.

Receptionist: Okay, go ahead in.

K-Money and Diego walk into the nearby office and waiting at on them is Desmond Smith who shakes hands with both of them before they all have a seat. Desmond is sitting on one side of his huge desk while K-Money and Diego are on the other side.

Desmond: K-Money, good to see you man, how are your pig problems?

K-Money: Its all good, I gave him a couple of T-shirts and he let me go like I thought he would.

Desmond: Good to hear. Diego, nice to meet you, has your cousin told you anything about me?

Diego: Yeah he said you were some kind of marketing executive and image consultant.

Desmond: Pretty much, your cousin checks in with me from time to time just to have a fresh set of eyes evaluate his situation to see if he’s missing out on ways to line his pockets with even more money. He usually doesn’t miss anything but occasionally I have an idea or two that he likes.

K-Money: It doesn’t happen very often though, usually I just stop by here for a good laugh. With that being said, whatcha got for us today Desmond?

Desmond: Well for you, PORN!

K-Money: No thanks, I’m married I get laid whenever I want.

Desmond: No, you can star in porn.

K-Money: Do I look like Dynamic Dynamite?

Desmond: No but you’ve got to admit it’s a very lucrative industry and somebody with a name as famous as yours could rake in the dough. I mean people bought a sex tape of Chyna, CHYNA!!!!

K-Money: Yeah I saw that sex tape, it still gives me nightmares.

Desmond: Just imagine it, Money Shots, Put The Money Where Your Mouth Is, In Money We Thrust

K-Money: IN MONEY WE THRUST?!?!?!? That sounds like a fuckin gay porn to me and I don’t swing that way.

Desmond: It was just an idea.

K-Money: Yeah well you can forget about porn gay or otherwise because I’m married, M-A-R-R-I-E-D.

Desmond: What about you Diego?

Diego: I’d be all for doing some porn, chicks only; I don’t see how I’d help bring in the customers though since practically nobody knows who I am.

Desmond: Yeah that’s true, maybe we’ll set something up after you win a few titles. Okay, that brings me to the next idea. People either love you or they hate you right Money?

K-Money: Yeah there usually isn’t a middle ground.

Desmond: How about a K-Money punching bag, the people who look up to you can see their inspiration while they work out while the people that hate you can beat the shit out of you.

K-Money: GREAT IDEA! I can’t believe I didn’t think of that one yet, I did come up with the K-Money dartboards though, pretty much the same concept.

Desmond: Yeah, basically. Diego for you… honestly I’ve got nothing so far. I mean you have a gold grill, you wear cowboy hats and boots but other than that you wear thuggish clothes. Then on top of everything else you know martial arts so you’re like some weird Mexican cowboy thug ninja.

Diego: Well I’ve never heard it explained that way before but yeah I guess you can say that I’ve got my own style, I wouldn’t refer to myself as a “thug” though.

Desmond: Alright, I guess if you make it big you can have your own D&V clothing line, you could steal some sales by people confusing it with D&G.

K-Money: He could even get his own cologne, Wetback by Diego Velez

Diego: Your Mexican too dick

K-Money: Yeah but only half, I can control my urges to pile thirty deep into a van and shop at Home Depot. If you go a few days without being inside a hardware store you go through withdrawals.

Diego: Yeah but you can’t control your urges to smoke weed, drink, rob people and act like a maniac.

Desmond: You two should really think about doing a radio show, you’ve got the right chemistry for it.

K-Money: That’s not a bad idea; we could call it Money and The Bum

Diego: Or Diego and a Ho

Desmond: See what I mean?

K-Money: Yeah, yeah, got anything else for me?

Desmond: Nah man that’s about it.

K-Money: Aight, I’ll hit you up later about getting those punching bags made.

Desmond: Aight Money, it was nice meeting you Diego.

Diego: It was nice meeting you as well Mr.Smith

Diego and K-Money leave Desmond’s office and our cameras fade to black

Closing Thoughts

This week I'm facing a rookie, yeah okay, if you believe that bullshit then you probably believe all the sluts on Craigslist are non-pro college girls who just want to sleep with your creepy ass to pay their tuition. In reality those walking sperm banks have had more trojans inside them than the Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum (where USC plays retards). As for Kieran King, if you’re smart you already know his deep but not so dark secret; I mean his secret is less black than most people’s secrets so it can only be so dark. That secret is, that he isn’t as good as everybody thinks he is, were you expecting me to say something different? Well obviously I’ve disappointed you but what can I say, you can’t please everybody all the time. Kieran King, I honestly don’t think you’re that great and I honestly don't give a fuck how much people think that you’re going to beat me. The only thing that really matters is what I think and in my mind the chances of you beating me are slimmer than the Olson Twins, scratch that, slimmer than the Olson Twins getting a cooking show! I’ve never backed down from a challenge, I got my purple heart in this business and I’m always, ALWAYS down for war. As you can tell from my 45-14-4 XWF record, as long as I show up for the match the odds of me winning are pretty fuckin good.

Not only that, I’ve attained that record by putting work in week in and week out against people wanting to use me to make a name for themselves. It’s the curse I talked about when I first returned; I call it the price of fame, Kieran I heard you refer to it as having name value. Either way I’ve never let it control me like so many others have. Every time some punk bitch steps in the ring wanting to use me to make a name for themselves I step in the ring beating my chest like King Kong and step out of it with another victory. Not everybody can do that on a weekly basis though because they either don’t have the passion I do or simply don’t have the stones I do. I’ve seen it a million times where guys have to hide from whom they truly are in order to take some of the pressure off of their shoulders. They just want to sneak up on people and pile up meaningless wins against opponents who aren’t bringing their A game because they don’t know what they are truly up against. THAT’S BITCH SHIT! If you’re really as good as the name you’ve made for yourself then you wouldn’t shy away from people giving you their best shot, nah if you were really that fuckin good you would take everybody’s best shot and and still walk out with the victory. At least that’s the way that I’ve always interpreted the game but what do I know I’ve only been a professional wrestler for twelve years and have trained to be one my entire life, so what do I know. Well, I know a hypocritical contradicting arrogant asshole when I see one, and guess what Kieran, I see one. Here have a look for yourself.

Kieran King - And I know that so many times there have been assholes like Chris Page who come in and expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. I didn't want to be that guy. Call me twisted, but there's something about things falling into place after you've worked your ass off for it to happen, that just makes the success all the more satisfying.

Kieran King - Oh, how the mighty fall. What the hell happened to you, K? You used to be World Champion, for crying out loud! You've toppled Legends and Universal Champions, and made it look easy. Without your 'id' though, you're a shell of what you once used to be. Congratulations, you're the XWF Cruiserweight Champion and the PWE Vicious Champion. You hold two minor belts. Now there's one of two things that can explain this. Either A: you're like James Raven holding the Hart Title recently, which reeked of some conspiracy bullshit that would probably send some douche-nozzle off on a spiel about how Raven is going to keep people down. Or B: you're like Dr. Emo holding the Hart Title now, because that's where the stupid motherfucker belongs. I'm leaning towards the latter.

Kieran with James Raven as world champ, Big Shank as universal champion and Hunter Ryan, Centurion, Rage, and Brian Cady as their top competition do you really think I would have been denied a world title or even a universal title shot had I asked for it? I don’t fuckin think so, hell Kieran I could have probably bugged the shit out of Christian Connolly until he gave me a PWE Universal title shot against Tomoko. Christian knows what I’m capable of inside the ring and as much as he hates me he knows K-Money equals ratings so I’m sure he would have been more than happy to give me a title shot but I didn’t ask Christian for a title shot either. Why? Simple really, I didn’t ask because I don’t have Chris Page or Andrew Gibson syndrome. Do I want to be respected for my past accomplishments? Of course I do. Do I want everything handed to me because of them, no. You can say a lot of things about me but you can’t ever say I was unloyal and you can’t ever say I didn’t work my ass off for everything I’ve EVER gotten. Jason Cash who was the owner at the time had no idea I was going to compete in his little “pick your title shot” open invitation battle royal till I showed up at the arena with my wrestling gear on. In PWE I didn’t ask Christian Connolly for shit, I just beat whomever he put in front of me and that just happened to earn me the PWE Vicious Title.

So here I stand PWE Vicious Champion and XWF Cruiserweight Champion but I’m still working my fucking ass off in this tournament. Win or lose this week I’ll still be working my ass of at Xmas Xtreme where I’ll be defending my Cruiserweight Title and either fighting for another title shot or receiving a XWF World Heavyweight Title shot. Next week I’ll be working my ass off at the PWE’s Clash Of Champions to try to walk away with the PWE Universal Title. Kieran my question to you is this, how the fuck can you pride yourself on working your ass of to get what you want but turn around and diss the fuck outa me for doing the same thing? Oh wait; I guess its okay to work your ass off when you’re a rookie but not when you’re a veteran? Nah that can’t be right either because you ripped Chris Page a new asshole for not putting in work as a veteran and demanding shit. I guess you said it the best yourself Kieran…

“You're fucking sheep. Arrogant, hypocritical, two-faced sheep.”

I’m sure you wish the quotes stopped there because I’ve just begun and with the first jab of my verbal knife I’ve managed to hit an artery. You’re bleeding out Kieran with no way in sight to stop the bleeding and I’ve just begun to dissect you.

Kieran King - Kudos, by the way, K, on dropping the 'id' from your name. I grew up watching you as Kid Money, and now that you're just plain ol' K, it's practically removed half of the insults people sent your way. All that's left is the tired old crap about you being T Money's bitch. Smart move, in that sense, but at the end of the day, K, was it worth it? That's your identification, man, your calling card, and you just want to up and change it? What's the matter, you get sick of who you were? Did you start to hate the man who stared back at you in the mirror?

Kieran King - You haven't changed with the times. You're still spouting off the same cheeseball 'hate' that you always did - though I'm not sure if that description was T Money-exclusive. My apologies if you differentiated your bullshit from his by using a different label for it. But the times call for a different approach. Oh don't get me wrong, let the hate flow, buddy. But being so... one-dimensional, is really not going to work in your favor. People have learned to adapt to your style, so anybody with half a brain can take your profanity, your pop-culture references, and your residual teenage angst, and just shrug it off like it's a little kid throwing a tantrum.

Kieran King - The key to being able to go up against you, is the simple ability to have some sort of coherency between thoughts. They don't even have to be good thoughts, they just need to make a bit of sense, and from there, you fall apart pretty easily.

Kieran there are a million things about me that can be attacked and justifiably so but dropping the “id” from my name is really something you choose to go after? And go after poorly I might add. Kieran your little spiel about dropping two letters from my name was fuckin classic, I mean your entire promo was like watching a child with ADHD all hopped up on Red Bull babble on incoherently but the “id” metaphors were just the icing on the cake. Kieran people like you are the reason that nobody in society is just flat out fuckin crazy anymore. No, people like you believe there is something deeper to it when in reality SOME PEOPLE ARE JUST FUCKIN NUTS! Can video games cause certain people to be violent? Sure, can violent music, abusive parents, being raped, molested, picked on at school? Sure those things could cause it too but every now and then maybe a guy just feels like getting on the roof of a building and seeing how many people he can take out with a sniper rifle before he gets caught. I’M THAT TYPE OF GUY! Okay maybe not to those extremes but lets face the facts here; did I have a good reason to take my mask off? Not really, I just felt like I had paid homage to the Lucha Libre traditions long enough and it was time for the world to see my face. On top of that have you ever wrestled in a mask? After about five minutes it gets drenched in sweat and you spend the rest of the match feeling like there is an armpit wrapped around your head. Plus the way the air holes are in those damn things, you never get as much fuckin oxygen as you should. Oh and I also snagged my wife after dropping the mask because women love me, you can call me ugly all day long Kieran, I’m not Dan Fierce and I could care less what another man thinks of me in the looks department. I think the real question here is what are you doing judging the looks of another man in the first place? Sounds like a fuckin homo tendency to me, you did request a gay joke didn’t you Kieran? Does somebody have a guilty closeted conscience?

A couple of years after the mask came off it was time to drop the “id” from my name, why? Hmm lets see, you have a man in his mid twenties still going by the name “kid”, I wonder why I changed it douche bag. Is it really everything you and your psycho babble made it out to be? Hell no, you just seemingly like to ramble on about things you assume to be true when you really have no idea what the fuck your talking about. I don’t give a fuck if you interpret the “K” as Kris, Kid, or Kissmyass, I was just tired of growing older and still being referred to as “kid”, nothing more, nothing less. At least I didn’t get raped for my name rights like a certain PWE owner did in the past and have to wrestle under the name “Christian Cage” when my fuckin name is really Christian Connolly. Lets do a quick recap for a second Kieran, so far we’ve established that I’ve dropped my mask and I’ve changed my name. My move list has also evolved a great deal over the past few years however I haven’t changed with the times huh? No idiot I’ve changed with the times but I happen to fuckin love the way I cut promos and I’ll probably never change that. If I love it and I have fun doing it why the fuck would I change it? Kieran you know my style, you know the entire point of it is to use these promos to give me a mental advantage over my opponents going into my matches. Hell Kieran you even brag about knowing the formula to win the verbal and mental battle with me just like that book did in the commercial, AND YOU STILL FUCKED UP!

Come on Kieran you grew up watching me right? You know what kind of verbal devastation I’m capable of right? Yet you still step to me with this weak ass bullshit and drop your promo with plenty of time for me to respond to it like I’m not going to fuckin slaughter you. THANK YOU KIERAN!! I mean Jesus Christ man you couldn’t even manage to have any coherency or consistency between your thoughts. One minute it’s a good thing to work your ass of for what you want, the next minute it isn’t. One minute change is a bad thing but the next second change is a good thing, SERIOUSLY? Call Chasm, Gilmour, Hunter Ryan, and QC what you will but at least they don’t contradict themselves every other sentence. Kieran I think you just became yet another victim of the fuckin hype machine. It sucks when people don’t believe in you and it makes you feel great when you can tell them all “fuck you”. However this week for the first time you aren’t the underdog, you’re the favorite and you spent so much time buying into your own hype and thinking of ways to tell the bandwagoners to go fuck themselves you’re doing to me the exact same thing that everybody has been doing to you, you’re underestimating me. BIG FUCKIN MISTAKE!

I mean promo wise you knew where the minefield was, you still walked through it, and you got blown the fuck up. However none of that matters if I fail to close the deal inside the ring, yes Kieran, INSIDE THE RING! You talked about the verbal aspect of the game quite a bit but what about inside the ring kid? I make mistakes and you make mistakes but I’ve been training to do this my entire life and have over sixty matches under my belt in the XWF alone. So Kieran who do you think is going to make more mistakes inside that ring? Even the retards that make the predictions have to realize its going to be you that make the most mistakes, and what is going to happen when you make those mistakes? I’LL BE RIGHT THERE TO CAPITALIZE ON THEM. Diabolique, a wrestler with a lot more experience and a longer track record than you dominated the PWE for 196 days. Do you know how many mistakes it took for me to beat her, ONE FUCKIN MISTAKE! That is all I need to put a hurting on you Kieran, I just need you to make that one mistake and you will make it. Your promos are sloppy and even when you’ve studied your opponent you made mistakes left and right. I seriously doubt you’ve put any time into studying my more recent in ring work, which is a drastic change from what you grew up watching. So Kieran if your promos were sloppy even with studying me, when we meet in the ring I’d say that you’re pretty damn fucked.

With all that being said Kieran I realize I’ve dissected you to the point of disembowelment and this verbal death match ended long ago due to you dying from massive blood loss but I’ve still got to tie up a few loose ends. So Kieran excuse me while I kick a man while he’s down, or in your case, dead. Kieran I realize that you baited me with backhanded compliments and your whole I’m not playing the “T-Money’s Shadow” card but subliminally I really am. So let me make it perfectly clear that the commercial I cut was to put everybody in the XWF on notice that I don’t give a flying fuck about T-Money and I won’t be baited into ranting about it ever again. So all you pricks still being unoriginal (Dan Fierce) come up with something better to say because I’m done answering the T-Money questions.

Next up Kieran, I’ll never play by society’s rules because where I came from society’s rules don’t apply. Maybe if you were from the ghetto you would understand what its like to have society turn its back on you every day. If you think I’m full of shit then you’re a bigger “tool” than anybody in the XWF. What do you think caused more deaths, the attacks of 9/11 or the yearly murder rates in cities like Detroit, Compton, New York, and Chicago? The attacks on 9/11 caused a war on terror, the crime rates for those cities didn’t cause a damn thing. So Kieran when society turns its back on you and your forced to fend for yourself of course you make your own rules and do whatever it takes to get ahead in life. The shit I’ve done in the past is pretty sick and twisted shit but I did it, the shit I do now usually serves a purpose. I robbed Thug because he’s a bitch and I wanted everybody to know, it served a purpose. Oh, I also got some nice shoes out of the deal. Other than that I’ve basically been pretty well behaved lately besides smoking my weed and drinking my tequila. Yeah I drove high/drunk but honestly, who hasn’t? And finally Kieran you’re whole back and forth robbery scenario, well Kieran it just wouldn’t play out like that. Just like you, I’m a fuckin king bitch, a Latin King and a First Crown on top of that. To put that in Italian mob terms, I’m a made man, untouchable. So unless somebody wanted to start a war with one of the largest gangs in the country, I don’t think they’ll be robbing me anytime soon.

To wrap things up Kieran I have to thank you again. This right here is what the game has been missing, a K-Money promo that hasn’t been neutered by the new one promo a week policy. The same policy that has grown men waiting till late in the week to drop their promos like scared little bitches because the only mics they’ve ever rocked were in gay bars. Kieran you were verbally dissected, sodomized, placed in a body bag and incinerated. I’d tell you to go fuck yourself but I think I’ve fucked you up enough.