6:55 PM
Dorkvahkiin
We interrupt that that crap you were just watching to bring you what you've been fiening for. I know ya’ll need your fix but its not like the old days when I could drop promo after promo for one match and keep ya’ll high on hate. Nah these days ya’ll have to settle for for one promo per match, but hey, at least its more potent, try not to overdose assholes. As you can tell its once again time for the Hardest Hustlin man in sports entertainment to takeover your television screen. Only one problem, the promo isn’t starting, what the fuck is going on, why are you staring at a blank screen? Well your staring at a blank screen because I pretty much run you and we both know that you’re not going to change the channel. Aight, I can feel the anticipation in the air, I guess I’ll finally give in. However you still get a blank screen, before I bless you with the full entertainment of a K-Money promo, you get his thoughts.
What happened on Anarchy? I thought K-Money was putting the Amityville Assassin in a cage and focusing more on having fun. Who says that I didn’t have fun on Anarchy? Seriously that shit with the jaguars and cougars was hilarious, Hunter Ryan and Dan Fierce deserved what they got. A for Q.C. (fake) Thug, you can take the nigga out the hood but… WELL YOU JUST CAN’T TAKE THE NIGGA OUT THE HOOD! Life is like a poker game man, you just gotta play the cards your dealt to the best of your ability cuz you can’t really change the hand that your dealt. Dr.Emo plays the hand he was dealt and surprise surprise 90% of his fan base is Emo kids but nobody calls him a fake. I play the hand I’m dealt and people try to make a big deal out of it and throw dirt on my name referring to me as a fake or whatever other unoriginal shit they try to pass off as the truth. You want fake watered down bullshit then give QC, Jose Chavez, and people like the a phone call. That brings us to my promo for this week because sometimes I just like to take a step back and really look at what made me the man I am today. Luckily for all of you I’m gonna bring all of you along for the ride.
Finally we are blessed with a visual to go along with the audio. We see K-Money’s pregnant mother (Adrienne Carter) wearing nursing scrubs, she has just left her part time job at Harper University Hospital as a transporter and is walking home to the apartment she shares with K-Money’s father. Even having just finished her long shift at work in her condition she still has a smile on her face as she walks the unforgiving streets of Detroit, Mi. Her apartment is less than a mile from the hospital so surely nothing can happen in that short span right? Wrong. What she doesn’t notice is the black cadillac with the lights off creeping towards her. When the car finally pulls alongside of her the barrels of two AK-47s emerge from the passenger side of the car, one from the back and one from the front. The sound of the AK-47s going off echoes through the streets, the thunderous sound can be heard from miles away. The muzzle flash lights up the dark Detroit city streets as bullets spray towards K-Money’s mother and an unborn K-Money. The unskilled gunmen fire randomly but its hard to miss when your firing off that many bullets. A bullet rips through each of her shoulders spinning her around and sending her arms flailing in the air like a rag doll. As she falls to the ground she gets hit by two more bullets, one catches her right in the collar bone shattering it on impact while the other hits her in the chest just to the right of her heart. Finally K-Money’s mother hits the ground, the lights of the black Cadillac come on and its tires squeel as it speeds off into the darkness. The cameras zoom in on the pregnant women lying in a pool of her own blood barely breathing and clutching at the bullet hole in her chest.
My mother must have done something horrible to deserve this type of heartless retaliation right? Wrong, that is what makes this so despicable. I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit in my life but I’ve never done anything to anybody who didn’t deserve it. My mother didn’t deserve this, she didn’t do anything to anybody, the only mistake she made was falling in love with my father.
Apparently somebody saw what happened and called 911 because an ambulance from the same hospital she worked for arrives on the scene after a few moments. K-Money’s mother is still alive but barely. The paramedics quickly put bandages over her wounds to stop the bleeding; she has lost a lot of blood. Once the bandaging is finished the paramedics get her into the back of the ambulance and the camera joins them in the back of the Ambulance as they drive towards the hospital, which isn’t that far away.
Paramedic #1: Mam…..MAM…..how far into your pregnancy are you
Amazingly K-Money’s mother summons up enough strength to answer the paramedics question.
Adrienne: 8 ½ months, don’t you let my baby die…don’t you let him die.
K-Money’s mother slips out of consciousness
Now that is a mother, she doesn’t give a fuck what happens to her, she just wants to make sure that her baby lives. Why don’t mothers like this get news stories done about them? No, they would rather cover mothers who murder their children. People throw a bitch fit if a director’s movie doesn’t end with a “happily ever after”. Yet in real life they can’t get enough of murder and death. Why so hypocritical?
The two paramedics look at each other shaking their heads.
Paramedic #2: This isn’t looking good, she’s lost way too much blood, they’re going to have to give her an emergency c-section to give both her and the baby a fighting chance.
Paramedic #1: Your right, we did our part and stopped the bleeding that’s pretty much all we can do, the rest is up to the ER doctors.
Practically the only good thing about the entire situation is that K-Money’s mother was still so close to the hospital when the shooting happened. After a very short ambulance ride the ambulance pulls up to the hospital and the paramedics rush K-Money’s mother to the emergency room. The cameras now cut to the NICU - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, where through a glass window and we see baby K-Money hooked up to all types of machines. There are babies just like him all throughout the room. Suddenly K-Money’s father comes rushing into the NICU visiting area. He is panting and out of breath, a doctor who emerges from the NICU quickly meets him.
Doctor: Excuse me sir, can I help you with something?
Father Money: I’m looking for Adrienne Carter, she was pregnant with my son and she works here. I got a phone call saying that she had been shot.
Doctor: Sir… I’m sorry to be the one that has to tell you this but… she didn’t make it.
K-Money’s father falls to his knees with tears streaming down his face. He puts his head down and pounds his fist on the floor. The Doctor puts her hand on his shoulder to try and comfort him but it doesn’t help much.
Doctor: Sir I know nothing can bring your wife back but we were able to save your son.
Upon hearing that K-Money’s father stands up and walks over to the glass looking at the child that has Kris Carter on his “crib”. His father doesn’t smile, doesn’t cry anymore, he just shows no emotion and almost looks as if he is staring right through the child.
Look at this piece of garbage; throwing himself on the floor in tears, I still don’t believe him. After all it was his drunken stupidity that caused this whole chain of events. If he hadn’t gotten plastered and told his friends how much he didn’t want to be a father and how much he wished my mother would just “go away” none of this ever would have happened. The only thing I give this bastard credit for is making sure that the people who did this to my mother got what they had coming to him. I mean the shooters of course; he didn’t have the backbone to punish himself for what he did. That’s okay though, since he didn’t want to give himself the death sentence I’ve given him the life sentence. He will never be able to see his grandchildren and thanks to me he will never even be in the same country as them. Yeah, I got my own father deported; he’s lucky I didn’t murder him myself. This was the murder of my mother that I didn’t get to see first hand, I just have the stories of my father and that of the doctors, paramedics, and police reports. However I did get to witness my mother get murdered later in life…
We fast forward in time to when K-Money was merely 12 years old, at this point in his life K-Money was a straight C student in school doing just enough to pass. Outside of school he had a couple of run ins with the law but nothing too serious, ghetto boys will be ghetto boys. Our cameras now show K-Money’s mother standing outside on the sidewalk waiting from him to get home so that she can take him to get something to eat before she leaves for work. That’s right K-Money’s dead mother is standing there on the sidewalk, if you douche bags actually paid attention you would know what I mean. The woman standing on the sidewalk is actually the twin sister of K-Money’s mother (Adrianna Carter). As Adrianna stands there waiting for K-Money, a neighbor walks up and stands beside her. The man is a known gangster but it doesn’t stop Adrianna from being polite to him.
Adrianna: How are you doing today Eddie?
Eddie: Oh everything is good, just waiting for this bad ass kid to get home.
Adrianna: Bad ass kid? What did Jamal do?
Eddie: Apparently he hit the teacher in the back of the head with a spitball. I’m trying to make sure he gets an education and he’s playing games.
Adrianna: Ah that’s not so bad, these kids just don’t understand what a good education will get them these days.
Just then the bus rounds the corner but from the other direction we see a Chevy Impala creeping along. As the bus comes to a halt a man leans out of the passenger side of the Impala and opens fire with a Mack-10 in each hand. Eddie sees it coming and quickly dives behind some nearby trashcans Adrianna Carter doesn’t see it coming and gets caught in the line of fire. A bullet hits her right in the arm, that wouldn’t have been so bad if two bullets didn’t also hit her in the head. Blood and brain matter sail through the air, and Adrianna falls to the ground dead instantly. K-Money is hysterical as he watches the women he thinks is his mother get horrifically murdered right in front of him. Practically all of the children on the bus are in tears, the bus driver floors it trying to get the children out of harms way. The Chevy also tries to speed away however has to swerve to miss the bus causing it to slam into a telephone poll. Eddie quickly comes out of hiding and runs up to the car shooting both the passenger and the gunman in the head before running off.
Detroit is a hell of a town. Where else can your mother get shot while you were in her womb and then the women you thought was your mother gets shot right in front of you and bus full of other kids? I can’t blame my father for this one and the two men I could have placed the blame on were killed. I guess I could have tried to stay away from the gangsta lifestyle since it is what ultimately killed my aunt but things just didn’t work out that way. Maybe seeing her brains paint the sidewalk is what numbed me enough to be able to do some of the horrific things I’ve done in my life. Maybe I was just born to be a hustla and get my money by any means necessary. I don’t know what to tell you, I just know what I’ve been through couldn’t be any farther from fake. After this day school was officially over for me and I became a student of the streets learning from the OG’s (Origninal Gangstas) and teaching myself a few new tricks along the way.
We once again fast forward but are still in K-Money’s younger days when he was running around the streets of Detroit wreaking havoc with the backing of the LKN (Latin King Nation). K-Money who looks about fifteen here is standing at the front of an alley right beside an apartment complex in horrible condition. The walls of the apartment complex are riddled with bullet holes and where there isn’t a bullet hole there is graffiti. Prostitutes continuously pass in front of K-Money and are picked up by stopping cars. One of the car stops and a prostitute approaches and leans into his passenger side window which just pisses the man driving off.
Man: BITCH GET OFF MY CAR! I didn’t come to see you, I came to see him.
The man points to K-Money who in turn points to himself. The prostitute walks away in disgust since she won’t get paid to auction off yet another piece of her wicked soul. The man continues to motion for K-Money to come over but K-Money senses that something just isn’t right with this guy.
I had never seen this asshole around here before. I figured that I better be careful with this one, it could have been a set up. I decided to stash the drugs for a second to make sure everything checked out with this guy.
K-Money stashes his drugs behind a trashcan before finally walking over to the car to see what the man wants. K-Money keeps his right hand close to his right hip just in case he quickly has to reach for the 9mm pistol concealed in the back of his pants.
Man: Hey man, are you the one they call Money?
K-Money: Yeah, what you need?
Man: Its not what I need money, its what I can do for you.
Yeah, I had never heard anything like this before. People always got propositions for you and want to tell you how to make money when you can tell that they haven’t made a solid profit their entire lives. Oh well I was already there so why not hear what this douche had to say.
K-Money: Well go ahead, I’m listening.
Man: I work for Esham as a bodyguard so I’ve got the perfect angle for you here Money. I know where he is going to be at all times so I tell you where he is and you can rob him.
Esham!? Really, this nigga wants me to rob Esham of all people, that mutha fucka doesn’t have any money. I mean seriously the guy is a fuckin bum, what’s the most I’ma get out of his ass $100.
K-Money: Esham? The last time I checked he wasn’t the richest nigga in the game so why would I even waste my time?
Man: Don’t be fooled, the man has been an underground sensation for a while now and he invested a lot of money into the chains he rocks. Once you get them from him we can get at least $20,000 out of him to get them back. I’ll split it with you fifty, fifty.
$10,000 for a quick chain snatch? That’s not a bad days work at all, who knew a bum ass nigga like Esham would have chains that he would pay $20,000 to get back?
K-Money: Aight man, it sounds like a plan for me, but I’ve got to know one thing homie. Why are you doing this? I mean Esham is giving you a job and paying you well but your gonna stab him in the back like this.
Man: Your still a young guy but you’ll understand it one day, its not personal at all its just business. When somebody puts you in a position where you can take advantage of them and make a profit then why not take it? I mean nobody is going to get hurt, Esham may get his pride hurt a little bit but he’ll be aight and he has money to spare. It’s the American dream kid, screw them before they can screw you.
Truer words have never been spoken, who would have known that I would actually learn something from some deadbeat bodyguard looking to get the guy he is supposed to be protecting robbed?
K-Money: Aight homie, just tell me where to be and I’ll make it happen.
With that we switch into fast forward mode again, this time we stop in an alley outside of a nightclub. There is a black SUV parked in the alley but besides that, just a few dumpsters. After a couple of moments out of the back door of the nightclub comes the bodyguard from earlier followed by Esham wearing countless chains. As they get ready to get into the SUV K-Money comes out from behind the dumpsters with a 9mm in both hands.
K-Money: HANDS IN THE AIR MUTHA FUCKAS!
Esham: You gotta be fuckin kidding me
K-Money pistol whips the hell out of Esham and the bodyguard kind of shoots him a look like “OH SHIT!”. K-Money takes Esham’s chains and grabs his wallet, he quickly takes of on foot in an all out sprint for about two blocks before he stops running. However as soon as he stops running he feels a gun barrel to the back of his head and the voice of a masked man.
Masked Man: Good job kid, I’ll be taking those now.
The masked man takes the chains and the wallet from K-Money.
K-Money: You bastard, I worked hard for those.
Masked Man: So did I.
The man pistol-whips K-Money sending him down to the ground. By the time K-Money gets up the man is gone. K-Money is pissed beyond belief. Once again we go into fast forward mode, it’s the very next day outside a local Detroit diner where we see the bodyguard standing around waiting for something. All of a sudden a man walks up with the chains and Esham’s wallet and sits down beside him.
Man: I can’t believe this actually worked.
Bodyguard: Of course it worked; I set it up after all. We hustled that K-Money idiot big time.
Man: Yep, we sure did. Did you bring the money?
The bodyguard pulls out a stack of hundreds.
Bodyguard: Yep $20,000, $5,000 for you and $15,000 for me.
Man: Or just $20,000 for me
The man pulls out a gun and shoots the bodyguard. He grabs the $20,000 then hops into a green SUV which has just pulled up. In the drivers seat is none other than K-Money. The man hands K-Money the money and the chains.
K-Money: You can never out hustle a true hustla.
The cameras now cut to the backstage are of the Nation Wide arena where we see K-Money's cousin Diego Velez walking down the hallway and stopping in front of K-Money's locker room. Diego knocks on the door and waits a couple of moments; finally K-Money slowly opens the door and peers outside. Once K-Money sees that its Diego he motions him inside. K-Money tosses the baseball bat he had in his hand across the locker room, it hits the ground with a thud and rolls into the wall where it finally comes to a rest. Diego just kind of stares at his cousin for a moment.
Diego:Whats with the bat.
K-Money:I thought you might be Chasm or Q.C. Wanksta.
Diego: Ah, I caught what you did to them on the limo ride over here. Was all of that really necessary?
K-Money: Necessary? Everything I do is necessary.
Diego: I don't know about that, I mean Jaguars, football uniforms, EA Sports and Carona advertisements?
K-Money:See this right here is why you're not ready for this industry yet.
Diego:Mkay….Did I miss something?
K-Money:Nah mutha fucka you missed everything. It wasn't just about attacking Chasm and QC Wanksta it was about embarrassing them. Plus the nice little payoffs I’ll be getting from EA Sports and Corona on top of what they already paid me to put their ads on my title belts are an added bonus.
Diego: While I don't agree with your tactics, Chasm I can understand because you have a match with him this week so I can see why you would want to get inside his head but the attack on QC Thug was just completely random.
K-Money: Actually it wasn't random at all; it was a well-planned tactical strike. QC Wanksta called me out in his promo after I already beat his ass so I took something from him he can't get back. Sure he could beg me for his chains and shoes back or even pay me for them but he'll never get his manhood back. QC claimed that he lived the street life so I followed the rules of the streets when I dealt with him. Now if you go into any hood in the United States of America and you ask about Q.C. Thug your going to get the same response, HE'S A FUCKIN BITCH! He's also a fuckin idiot, I'm a real mutha fucka and even I don't wear my chains to the arena its just not smart.
Diego: See you took things from just business and you made them personal. I was taught to respect my opponents inside and outside of the ring.
K-Money: Personal? Diego none of this shit is personal, its just business. I don’t despise Q.C. Thug personally but I do despise the fact that he is the epitome of fake gangsta. People like him are the reason that every other promo somebody has to throw that fake gangsta shit in my face when I’ve actually lived it. After this week I think I’ve done enough to show the world what the difference between guys like Q.C. Thug and guys like me is.
Diego: You’ll rob people but he won’t?
K-Money: NO, I’M REAL AND HE’S FAKE! I forgot how much you used to try my patience but your doing an amazing job of jogging my memory. I swear if you keep it up I’m gonna have you deported.
Diego: But then how am I gonna take the XWF or PWE by storm?
K-Money: Pssh, egotistical bastard. That is another reason why you’re not ready to train; you think that you’re ready for the big times right now. You think that your Kajukenbo is all you need to know in order to succeed in the wrestling industry. The only way that I’m going to prove to you that I’m right and your wrong is to let you go out there and embarrass yourself. That is exactly why I’ve signed you up for not just one match but two matches.
Diego:REALLY!!!!!
K-Money: Did I stutter mutha fucka? Your first match is this week in the PWE invitational battle royal…
Diego:So I get to have my first match in Mexico on top of everything else? I FUCKIN LOVE YOU!
Diego runs over and tries to give K-Money a hug but gets a stiff arm that puts Marion Barber to shame. Diego stumbles backwards and almost falls but manages to stay on his feet.
K-Money: GET YOUR ASS AWAY FROM ME!
Diego: Aww come on Kris, show a little emotion man!
K-Money: I do, calm, happy, angry, confident. The rest of my emotions are reserved for Sabrina and the kids.
Diego:Come on…..cousins gotta hug.
Diego widens is arms and motions for K-Money to come give him a hug. K-Money buries his face in his palm and shakes his head before looking up and speaking again.
K-Money: I’m officially disowning you now. Anyway, your second match will be that gift royal rumble cluster fuck the XWF has going on.
Diego: OH MY GOD! You’re the best cousin a guy could have, seriously, I couldn’t ask for a better opportunity to prove myself.
K-Money: Or fall flat on your face, which is what I’m telling you is going to happen. Don’t get your hopes up Diego I’m telling you that you ARE NOT ready.
Diego: We’ll see Kris, we’ll see
With that our cameras fade to black
Final Thoughts
Well shit this week Anarchy might has well been called Thursday Night Money, I WAS EVERYWHERE! I was robbing Q.C. Thug of his gear as well as his manhood, I was joining Zero Conformity, and I was teaching Chasm why the NFL outlawed helmet-to-helmet hits. Oh and lets not forget that I piled up yet another win. Also for the first time in a very long time I actually had fun all week on my way to a victory. It seems as though the real K-Money is starting to emerge once again and I’ve managed to lock the Amityville Assassin in the chains of my subconscious where he belongs. Honestly there is no need for the type of unadulterated anger that he brings out in me; it’s a lot more fun to unleash the unpredictability of K-Money’s true personality on ya’ll. I’m sure Q.C. Thug, Chasm, and Peter Gilmour don’t agree but who really gives a fuck about those douche bags anyway? EXACTLY! Now Even though I did manage to pull off a win this week like I always do, my match with Peter Gilmour was a little bit closer than I would have liked it to have been. Seriously, this is Peter Gilmour we are talking about here. It would have been different if somebody on the roster with actual talent had kept the match close but IT WAS PETER FUCKIN GILMOUR. Hello my name is RED FLAG!
I should have demolished that mutha fucka in record time and strutted into the quarterfinals looking like an unstoppable force. Instead I limped my way into the quarter finals looking like a wrestler who isn’t as good as he used to be and who can be beaten. Good thing I’m facing Chasm this week right? Wrong. This match has trap match written all over it, everybody knows that in the past I’ve had a tendency to play down to my opponent’s level and that leaves the door wide open for upsets. The most notable upset of my career came at the hands of Brady Anderson when he robbed me of my cruiserweight title. I won’t let that happen again, especially not against somebody like Chasm. This mutha fucka is not going to make a career for himself by beating me like Brady Anderson did. That is why I attacked Chasm this week and why I asked Raven Goggles to make our match for the cruiserweight title. I want to turn up the heat on Chasm as much as I can and stir up as many emotions in him possible. Chasm is a like a fuckin roach who scavenges for leftovers when the lights are off. Sure he has been able to make a living in the XWF by scavenging for secondary titles while the elite wrestlers have their eyes on the main titles but what do roaches do when somebody turns the lights on?
That’s right they scatter and run for their insignificant little lives because they know that they’re on the bottom of the food chain. Not only have I turned the lights on for Chasm but I’ve taken all the spotlights at my disposal turned them on as high as they can go and pointed them directly at him. Lets take a look at this match through Chasm’s eyes for just a second. Xmas Xtreme tournament match for the world title, a title I’ll probably get another shot at. The match is against future XWF legend K-Money with the cruiserweight title on the line, and he attacked me last week. COULD CHASM HAVE ANYMORE PRESSURE ON HIS SHOULDERS? Sure he can, and he does. The talent gap between him and myself is as wide as the Grand Canyon so Chasm will have to try to do what all of my opponents seem to want to do and that is “step his game up”. I’m honestly sick of hearing about mutha fuckas stepping their game up against me, why don’t we just call it what it is?
Ya’ll mutha fuckas aren’t trying to step your game up against me because if you were able to achieve the level of talent needed to beat me, you wouldn’t need to step your games up. You assholes are flat out trying to play catch up because while I’ve continuously evolved and gotten better ya’ll have stayed exactly the fuckin same. All of you think for some reason that a win over me will somehow make up for a career of squandered opportunities all of you fail to see the holes in your logic so I guess I’m going to have to spoon feed it to you retards. If you somehow miraculously turn into world champion caliber wrestler overnight and manage to pull of a victory over me are you going to be able to put in the work required to continue to compete at that level? Probably not because if you were willing to do that you wouldn’t have needed to “step your game up” in order to beat me in the first place.
So lets assume that after you “step your game up” for one night in order to beat me you fall back into mediocrity, what did you prove by beating me. Hmm… ALL SIGNS POINT TO NOTHING ASSHOLES! Me losing to one mediocre tool isn’t going to hurt my career or credibility at all, I mean didn’t Big Shank lose to Hunter Ryan once upon a time? T-Money lost to the fuckin Hired Gun, as a matter of fact the Hired Gun made his ass tap out, plus he got pinned by Centurion at LOTR. I could go on and on with this but I think you get my point. Nothing Chasm is capable of doing is going to matter at the end of the day. Chasm I’ve got a serious question I need to ask you, do you remember Cornbread? How about Kratos, Helmut Blok, Ashley Devine, or Iron Bull? No you fuckin don’t because I don’t even remember these assholes, I looked up some of the old rosters on the XWF website. Chasm if you left the XWF today do you really think that anybody would remember you in 5 years?
No Chasm, they won’t. To barrow a line from Hunter Ryan…. Don’t get excited Hunter it won’t happen often because you usually don’t say anything that’s even worth repeating. But like I said, to barrow a line from Hunter Ryan, Chasm you won't be a blip on the radar of professional wrestling. Your name WILL NEVER reach the hall of legends. Hell if you asked people to name their top 50 XWF wrestlers your name wouldn’t get mentioned. The XWF is like the Mcdonalds of the wrestling industry, OVER A BILLION MUTHA FUCKAS SERVED! Some people like Azazel come through the drive through for a quick bite to eat and then they drive off into the sunset never to be heard from again. Others come in, sit down, and have a nice big meal. Chasm you’re neither, while you’ve decided to come in and eat, you’ve done your shopping from the dollar menu your entire career. Then here comes Raven Goggles waving a nice juicy Big Mac known as the World Heavyweight Title in front of your face, the only catch is that fifteen other XWF wrestlers were staring at the same meal but only one will get to eat at Xmas Xtreme. Unfortunately for you Chasm, I was one of those fifteen other superstars and even though there are now only seven other men left we are all getting hungrier by the day. I’m probably the hungriest man in the tournament Chasm because I never got to defend my heavyweight title. No, I dropped my world title to Blizzard in order to step in as Anarchy Gm for the good of the XWF. Its time for me to have another taste of what its like to be the world champion and I’ll be damned if I let you beat me on the way to your one “taste” of greatness. I'll see you in the ring Chasm and when its all said and done it'll be my pleasure to send you back to hosting Deal or No Deal.
What happened on Anarchy? I thought K-Money was putting the Amityville Assassin in a cage and focusing more on having fun. Who says that I didn’t have fun on Anarchy? Seriously that shit with the jaguars and cougars was hilarious, Hunter Ryan and Dan Fierce deserved what they got. A for Q.C. (fake) Thug, you can take the nigga out the hood but… WELL YOU JUST CAN’T TAKE THE NIGGA OUT THE HOOD! Life is like a poker game man, you just gotta play the cards your dealt to the best of your ability cuz you can’t really change the hand that your dealt. Dr.Emo plays the hand he was dealt and surprise surprise 90% of his fan base is Emo kids but nobody calls him a fake. I play the hand I’m dealt and people try to make a big deal out of it and throw dirt on my name referring to me as a fake or whatever other unoriginal shit they try to pass off as the truth. You want fake watered down bullshit then give QC, Jose Chavez, and people like the a phone call. That brings us to my promo for this week because sometimes I just like to take a step back and really look at what made me the man I am today. Luckily for all of you I’m gonna bring all of you along for the ride.
Finally we are blessed with a visual to go along with the audio. We see K-Money’s pregnant mother (Adrienne Carter) wearing nursing scrubs, she has just left her part time job at Harper University Hospital as a transporter and is walking home to the apartment she shares with K-Money’s father. Even having just finished her long shift at work in her condition she still has a smile on her face as she walks the unforgiving streets of Detroit, Mi. Her apartment is less than a mile from the hospital so surely nothing can happen in that short span right? Wrong. What she doesn’t notice is the black cadillac with the lights off creeping towards her. When the car finally pulls alongside of her the barrels of two AK-47s emerge from the passenger side of the car, one from the back and one from the front. The sound of the AK-47s going off echoes through the streets, the thunderous sound can be heard from miles away. The muzzle flash lights up the dark Detroit city streets as bullets spray towards K-Money’s mother and an unborn K-Money. The unskilled gunmen fire randomly but its hard to miss when your firing off that many bullets. A bullet rips through each of her shoulders spinning her around and sending her arms flailing in the air like a rag doll. As she falls to the ground she gets hit by two more bullets, one catches her right in the collar bone shattering it on impact while the other hits her in the chest just to the right of her heart. Finally K-Money’s mother hits the ground, the lights of the black Cadillac come on and its tires squeel as it speeds off into the darkness. The cameras zoom in on the pregnant women lying in a pool of her own blood barely breathing and clutching at the bullet hole in her chest.
My mother must have done something horrible to deserve this type of heartless retaliation right? Wrong, that is what makes this so despicable. I’ve done some pretty fucked up shit in my life but I’ve never done anything to anybody who didn’t deserve it. My mother didn’t deserve this, she didn’t do anything to anybody, the only mistake she made was falling in love with my father.
Apparently somebody saw what happened and called 911 because an ambulance from the same hospital she worked for arrives on the scene after a few moments. K-Money’s mother is still alive but barely. The paramedics quickly put bandages over her wounds to stop the bleeding; she has lost a lot of blood. Once the bandaging is finished the paramedics get her into the back of the ambulance and the camera joins them in the back of the Ambulance as they drive towards the hospital, which isn’t that far away.
Paramedic #1: Mam…..MAM…..how far into your pregnancy are you
Amazingly K-Money’s mother summons up enough strength to answer the paramedics question.
Adrienne: 8 ½ months, don’t you let my baby die…don’t you let him die.
K-Money’s mother slips out of consciousness
Now that is a mother, she doesn’t give a fuck what happens to her, she just wants to make sure that her baby lives. Why don’t mothers like this get news stories done about them? No, they would rather cover mothers who murder their children. People throw a bitch fit if a director’s movie doesn’t end with a “happily ever after”. Yet in real life they can’t get enough of murder and death. Why so hypocritical?
The two paramedics look at each other shaking their heads.
Paramedic #2: This isn’t looking good, she’s lost way too much blood, they’re going to have to give her an emergency c-section to give both her and the baby a fighting chance.
Paramedic #1: Your right, we did our part and stopped the bleeding that’s pretty much all we can do, the rest is up to the ER doctors.
Practically the only good thing about the entire situation is that K-Money’s mother was still so close to the hospital when the shooting happened. After a very short ambulance ride the ambulance pulls up to the hospital and the paramedics rush K-Money’s mother to the emergency room. The cameras now cut to the NICU - Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, where through a glass window and we see baby K-Money hooked up to all types of machines. There are babies just like him all throughout the room. Suddenly K-Money’s father comes rushing into the NICU visiting area. He is panting and out of breath, a doctor who emerges from the NICU quickly meets him.
Doctor: Excuse me sir, can I help you with something?
Father Money: I’m looking for Adrienne Carter, she was pregnant with my son and she works here. I got a phone call saying that she had been shot.
Doctor: Sir… I’m sorry to be the one that has to tell you this but… she didn’t make it.
K-Money’s father falls to his knees with tears streaming down his face. He puts his head down and pounds his fist on the floor. The Doctor puts her hand on his shoulder to try and comfort him but it doesn’t help much.
Doctor: Sir I know nothing can bring your wife back but we were able to save your son.
Upon hearing that K-Money’s father stands up and walks over to the glass looking at the child that has Kris Carter on his “crib”. His father doesn’t smile, doesn’t cry anymore, he just shows no emotion and almost looks as if he is staring right through the child.
Look at this piece of garbage; throwing himself on the floor in tears, I still don’t believe him. After all it was his drunken stupidity that caused this whole chain of events. If he hadn’t gotten plastered and told his friends how much he didn’t want to be a father and how much he wished my mother would just “go away” none of this ever would have happened. The only thing I give this bastard credit for is making sure that the people who did this to my mother got what they had coming to him. I mean the shooters of course; he didn’t have the backbone to punish himself for what he did. That’s okay though, since he didn’t want to give himself the death sentence I’ve given him the life sentence. He will never be able to see his grandchildren and thanks to me he will never even be in the same country as them. Yeah, I got my own father deported; he’s lucky I didn’t murder him myself. This was the murder of my mother that I didn’t get to see first hand, I just have the stories of my father and that of the doctors, paramedics, and police reports. However I did get to witness my mother get murdered later in life…
We fast forward in time to when K-Money was merely 12 years old, at this point in his life K-Money was a straight C student in school doing just enough to pass. Outside of school he had a couple of run ins with the law but nothing too serious, ghetto boys will be ghetto boys. Our cameras now show K-Money’s mother standing outside on the sidewalk waiting from him to get home so that she can take him to get something to eat before she leaves for work. That’s right K-Money’s dead mother is standing there on the sidewalk, if you douche bags actually paid attention you would know what I mean. The woman standing on the sidewalk is actually the twin sister of K-Money’s mother (Adrianna Carter). As Adrianna stands there waiting for K-Money, a neighbor walks up and stands beside her. The man is a known gangster but it doesn’t stop Adrianna from being polite to him.
Adrianna: How are you doing today Eddie?
Eddie: Oh everything is good, just waiting for this bad ass kid to get home.
Adrianna: Bad ass kid? What did Jamal do?
Eddie: Apparently he hit the teacher in the back of the head with a spitball. I’m trying to make sure he gets an education and he’s playing games.
Adrianna: Ah that’s not so bad, these kids just don’t understand what a good education will get them these days.
Just then the bus rounds the corner but from the other direction we see a Chevy Impala creeping along. As the bus comes to a halt a man leans out of the passenger side of the Impala and opens fire with a Mack-10 in each hand. Eddie sees it coming and quickly dives behind some nearby trashcans Adrianna Carter doesn’t see it coming and gets caught in the line of fire. A bullet hits her right in the arm, that wouldn’t have been so bad if two bullets didn’t also hit her in the head. Blood and brain matter sail through the air, and Adrianna falls to the ground dead instantly. K-Money is hysterical as he watches the women he thinks is his mother get horrifically murdered right in front of him. Practically all of the children on the bus are in tears, the bus driver floors it trying to get the children out of harms way. The Chevy also tries to speed away however has to swerve to miss the bus causing it to slam into a telephone poll. Eddie quickly comes out of hiding and runs up to the car shooting both the passenger and the gunman in the head before running off.
Detroit is a hell of a town. Where else can your mother get shot while you were in her womb and then the women you thought was your mother gets shot right in front of you and bus full of other kids? I can’t blame my father for this one and the two men I could have placed the blame on were killed. I guess I could have tried to stay away from the gangsta lifestyle since it is what ultimately killed my aunt but things just didn’t work out that way. Maybe seeing her brains paint the sidewalk is what numbed me enough to be able to do some of the horrific things I’ve done in my life. Maybe I was just born to be a hustla and get my money by any means necessary. I don’t know what to tell you, I just know what I’ve been through couldn’t be any farther from fake. After this day school was officially over for me and I became a student of the streets learning from the OG’s (Origninal Gangstas) and teaching myself a few new tricks along the way.
We once again fast forward but are still in K-Money’s younger days when he was running around the streets of Detroit wreaking havoc with the backing of the LKN (Latin King Nation). K-Money who looks about fifteen here is standing at the front of an alley right beside an apartment complex in horrible condition. The walls of the apartment complex are riddled with bullet holes and where there isn’t a bullet hole there is graffiti. Prostitutes continuously pass in front of K-Money and are picked up by stopping cars. One of the car stops and a prostitute approaches and leans into his passenger side window which just pisses the man driving off.
Man: BITCH GET OFF MY CAR! I didn’t come to see you, I came to see him.
The man points to K-Money who in turn points to himself. The prostitute walks away in disgust since she won’t get paid to auction off yet another piece of her wicked soul. The man continues to motion for K-Money to come over but K-Money senses that something just isn’t right with this guy.
I had never seen this asshole around here before. I figured that I better be careful with this one, it could have been a set up. I decided to stash the drugs for a second to make sure everything checked out with this guy.
K-Money stashes his drugs behind a trashcan before finally walking over to the car to see what the man wants. K-Money keeps his right hand close to his right hip just in case he quickly has to reach for the 9mm pistol concealed in the back of his pants.
Man: Hey man, are you the one they call Money?
K-Money: Yeah, what you need?
Man: Its not what I need money, its what I can do for you.
Yeah, I had never heard anything like this before. People always got propositions for you and want to tell you how to make money when you can tell that they haven’t made a solid profit their entire lives. Oh well I was already there so why not hear what this douche had to say.
K-Money: Well go ahead, I’m listening.
Man: I work for Esham as a bodyguard so I’ve got the perfect angle for you here Money. I know where he is going to be at all times so I tell you where he is and you can rob him.
Esham!? Really, this nigga wants me to rob Esham of all people, that mutha fucka doesn’t have any money. I mean seriously the guy is a fuckin bum, what’s the most I’ma get out of his ass $100.
K-Money: Esham? The last time I checked he wasn’t the richest nigga in the game so why would I even waste my time?
Man: Don’t be fooled, the man has been an underground sensation for a while now and he invested a lot of money into the chains he rocks. Once you get them from him we can get at least $20,000 out of him to get them back. I’ll split it with you fifty, fifty.
$10,000 for a quick chain snatch? That’s not a bad days work at all, who knew a bum ass nigga like Esham would have chains that he would pay $20,000 to get back?
K-Money: Aight man, it sounds like a plan for me, but I’ve got to know one thing homie. Why are you doing this? I mean Esham is giving you a job and paying you well but your gonna stab him in the back like this.
Man: Your still a young guy but you’ll understand it one day, its not personal at all its just business. When somebody puts you in a position where you can take advantage of them and make a profit then why not take it? I mean nobody is going to get hurt, Esham may get his pride hurt a little bit but he’ll be aight and he has money to spare. It’s the American dream kid, screw them before they can screw you.
Truer words have never been spoken, who would have known that I would actually learn something from some deadbeat bodyguard looking to get the guy he is supposed to be protecting robbed?
K-Money: Aight homie, just tell me where to be and I’ll make it happen.
With that we switch into fast forward mode again, this time we stop in an alley outside of a nightclub. There is a black SUV parked in the alley but besides that, just a few dumpsters. After a couple of moments out of the back door of the nightclub comes the bodyguard from earlier followed by Esham wearing countless chains. As they get ready to get into the SUV K-Money comes out from behind the dumpsters with a 9mm in both hands.
K-Money: HANDS IN THE AIR MUTHA FUCKAS!
Esham: You gotta be fuckin kidding me
K-Money pistol whips the hell out of Esham and the bodyguard kind of shoots him a look like “OH SHIT!”. K-Money takes Esham’s chains and grabs his wallet, he quickly takes of on foot in an all out sprint for about two blocks before he stops running. However as soon as he stops running he feels a gun barrel to the back of his head and the voice of a masked man.
Masked Man: Good job kid, I’ll be taking those now.
The masked man takes the chains and the wallet from K-Money.
K-Money: You bastard, I worked hard for those.
Masked Man: So did I.
The man pistol-whips K-Money sending him down to the ground. By the time K-Money gets up the man is gone. K-Money is pissed beyond belief. Once again we go into fast forward mode, it’s the very next day outside a local Detroit diner where we see the bodyguard standing around waiting for something. All of a sudden a man walks up with the chains and Esham’s wallet and sits down beside him.
Man: I can’t believe this actually worked.
Bodyguard: Of course it worked; I set it up after all. We hustled that K-Money idiot big time.
Man: Yep, we sure did. Did you bring the money?
The bodyguard pulls out a stack of hundreds.
Bodyguard: Yep $20,000, $5,000 for you and $15,000 for me.
Man: Or just $20,000 for me
The man pulls out a gun and shoots the bodyguard. He grabs the $20,000 then hops into a green SUV which has just pulled up. In the drivers seat is none other than K-Money. The man hands K-Money the money and the chains.
K-Money: You can never out hustle a true hustla.
The cameras now cut to the backstage are of the Nation Wide arena where we see K-Money's cousin Diego Velez walking down the hallway and stopping in front of K-Money's locker room. Diego knocks on the door and waits a couple of moments; finally K-Money slowly opens the door and peers outside. Once K-Money sees that its Diego he motions him inside. K-Money tosses the baseball bat he had in his hand across the locker room, it hits the ground with a thud and rolls into the wall where it finally comes to a rest. Diego just kind of stares at his cousin for a moment.
Diego:Whats with the bat.
K-Money:I thought you might be Chasm or Q.C. Wanksta.
Diego: Ah, I caught what you did to them on the limo ride over here. Was all of that really necessary?
K-Money: Necessary? Everything I do is necessary.
Diego: I don't know about that, I mean Jaguars, football uniforms, EA Sports and Carona advertisements?
K-Money:See this right here is why you're not ready for this industry yet.
Diego:Mkay….Did I miss something?
K-Money:Nah mutha fucka you missed everything. It wasn't just about attacking Chasm and QC Wanksta it was about embarrassing them. Plus the nice little payoffs I’ll be getting from EA Sports and Corona on top of what they already paid me to put their ads on my title belts are an added bonus.
Diego: While I don't agree with your tactics, Chasm I can understand because you have a match with him this week so I can see why you would want to get inside his head but the attack on QC Thug was just completely random.
K-Money: Actually it wasn't random at all; it was a well-planned tactical strike. QC Wanksta called me out in his promo after I already beat his ass so I took something from him he can't get back. Sure he could beg me for his chains and shoes back or even pay me for them but he'll never get his manhood back. QC claimed that he lived the street life so I followed the rules of the streets when I dealt with him. Now if you go into any hood in the United States of America and you ask about Q.C. Thug your going to get the same response, HE'S A FUCKIN BITCH! He's also a fuckin idiot, I'm a real mutha fucka and even I don't wear my chains to the arena its just not smart.
Diego: See you took things from just business and you made them personal. I was taught to respect my opponents inside and outside of the ring.
K-Money: Personal? Diego none of this shit is personal, its just business. I don’t despise Q.C. Thug personally but I do despise the fact that he is the epitome of fake gangsta. People like him are the reason that every other promo somebody has to throw that fake gangsta shit in my face when I’ve actually lived it. After this week I think I’ve done enough to show the world what the difference between guys like Q.C. Thug and guys like me is.
Diego: You’ll rob people but he won’t?
K-Money: NO, I’M REAL AND HE’S FAKE! I forgot how much you used to try my patience but your doing an amazing job of jogging my memory. I swear if you keep it up I’m gonna have you deported.
Diego: But then how am I gonna take the XWF or PWE by storm?
K-Money: Pssh, egotistical bastard. That is another reason why you’re not ready to train; you think that you’re ready for the big times right now. You think that your Kajukenbo is all you need to know in order to succeed in the wrestling industry. The only way that I’m going to prove to you that I’m right and your wrong is to let you go out there and embarrass yourself. That is exactly why I’ve signed you up for not just one match but two matches.
Diego:REALLY!!!!!
K-Money: Did I stutter mutha fucka? Your first match is this week in the PWE invitational battle royal…
Diego:So I get to have my first match in Mexico on top of everything else? I FUCKIN LOVE YOU!
Diego runs over and tries to give K-Money a hug but gets a stiff arm that puts Marion Barber to shame. Diego stumbles backwards and almost falls but manages to stay on his feet.
K-Money: GET YOUR ASS AWAY FROM ME!
Diego: Aww come on Kris, show a little emotion man!
K-Money: I do, calm, happy, angry, confident. The rest of my emotions are reserved for Sabrina and the kids.
Diego:Come on…..cousins gotta hug.
Diego widens is arms and motions for K-Money to come give him a hug. K-Money buries his face in his palm and shakes his head before looking up and speaking again.
K-Money: I’m officially disowning you now. Anyway, your second match will be that gift royal rumble cluster fuck the XWF has going on.
Diego: OH MY GOD! You’re the best cousin a guy could have, seriously, I couldn’t ask for a better opportunity to prove myself.
K-Money: Or fall flat on your face, which is what I’m telling you is going to happen. Don’t get your hopes up Diego I’m telling you that you ARE NOT ready.
Diego: We’ll see Kris, we’ll see
With that our cameras fade to black
Final Thoughts
Well shit this week Anarchy might has well been called Thursday Night Money, I WAS EVERYWHERE! I was robbing Q.C. Thug of his gear as well as his manhood, I was joining Zero Conformity, and I was teaching Chasm why the NFL outlawed helmet-to-helmet hits. Oh and lets not forget that I piled up yet another win. Also for the first time in a very long time I actually had fun all week on my way to a victory. It seems as though the real K-Money is starting to emerge once again and I’ve managed to lock the Amityville Assassin in the chains of my subconscious where he belongs. Honestly there is no need for the type of unadulterated anger that he brings out in me; it’s a lot more fun to unleash the unpredictability of K-Money’s true personality on ya’ll. I’m sure Q.C. Thug, Chasm, and Peter Gilmour don’t agree but who really gives a fuck about those douche bags anyway? EXACTLY! Now Even though I did manage to pull off a win this week like I always do, my match with Peter Gilmour was a little bit closer than I would have liked it to have been. Seriously, this is Peter Gilmour we are talking about here. It would have been different if somebody on the roster with actual talent had kept the match close but IT WAS PETER FUCKIN GILMOUR. Hello my name is RED FLAG!
I should have demolished that mutha fucka in record time and strutted into the quarterfinals looking like an unstoppable force. Instead I limped my way into the quarter finals looking like a wrestler who isn’t as good as he used to be and who can be beaten. Good thing I’m facing Chasm this week right? Wrong. This match has trap match written all over it, everybody knows that in the past I’ve had a tendency to play down to my opponent’s level and that leaves the door wide open for upsets. The most notable upset of my career came at the hands of Brady Anderson when he robbed me of my cruiserweight title. I won’t let that happen again, especially not against somebody like Chasm. This mutha fucka is not going to make a career for himself by beating me like Brady Anderson did. That is why I attacked Chasm this week and why I asked Raven Goggles to make our match for the cruiserweight title. I want to turn up the heat on Chasm as much as I can and stir up as many emotions in him possible. Chasm is a like a fuckin roach who scavenges for leftovers when the lights are off. Sure he has been able to make a living in the XWF by scavenging for secondary titles while the elite wrestlers have their eyes on the main titles but what do roaches do when somebody turns the lights on?
That’s right they scatter and run for their insignificant little lives because they know that they’re on the bottom of the food chain. Not only have I turned the lights on for Chasm but I’ve taken all the spotlights at my disposal turned them on as high as they can go and pointed them directly at him. Lets take a look at this match through Chasm’s eyes for just a second. Xmas Xtreme tournament match for the world title, a title I’ll probably get another shot at. The match is against future XWF legend K-Money with the cruiserweight title on the line, and he attacked me last week. COULD CHASM HAVE ANYMORE PRESSURE ON HIS SHOULDERS? Sure he can, and he does. The talent gap between him and myself is as wide as the Grand Canyon so Chasm will have to try to do what all of my opponents seem to want to do and that is “step his game up”. I’m honestly sick of hearing about mutha fuckas stepping their game up against me, why don’t we just call it what it is?
Ya’ll mutha fuckas aren’t trying to step your game up against me because if you were able to achieve the level of talent needed to beat me, you wouldn’t need to step your games up. You assholes are flat out trying to play catch up because while I’ve continuously evolved and gotten better ya’ll have stayed exactly the fuckin same. All of you think for some reason that a win over me will somehow make up for a career of squandered opportunities all of you fail to see the holes in your logic so I guess I’m going to have to spoon feed it to you retards. If you somehow miraculously turn into world champion caliber wrestler overnight and manage to pull of a victory over me are you going to be able to put in the work required to continue to compete at that level? Probably not because if you were willing to do that you wouldn’t have needed to “step your game up” in order to beat me in the first place.
So lets assume that after you “step your game up” for one night in order to beat me you fall back into mediocrity, what did you prove by beating me. Hmm… ALL SIGNS POINT TO NOTHING ASSHOLES! Me losing to one mediocre tool isn’t going to hurt my career or credibility at all, I mean didn’t Big Shank lose to Hunter Ryan once upon a time? T-Money lost to the fuckin Hired Gun, as a matter of fact the Hired Gun made his ass tap out, plus he got pinned by Centurion at LOTR. I could go on and on with this but I think you get my point. Nothing Chasm is capable of doing is going to matter at the end of the day. Chasm I’ve got a serious question I need to ask you, do you remember Cornbread? How about Kratos, Helmut Blok, Ashley Devine, or Iron Bull? No you fuckin don’t because I don’t even remember these assholes, I looked up some of the old rosters on the XWF website. Chasm if you left the XWF today do you really think that anybody would remember you in 5 years?
No Chasm, they won’t. To barrow a line from Hunter Ryan…. Don’t get excited Hunter it won’t happen often because you usually don’t say anything that’s even worth repeating. But like I said, to barrow a line from Hunter Ryan, Chasm you won't be a blip on the radar of professional wrestling. Your name WILL NEVER reach the hall of legends. Hell if you asked people to name their top 50 XWF wrestlers your name wouldn’t get mentioned. The XWF is like the Mcdonalds of the wrestling industry, OVER A BILLION MUTHA FUCKAS SERVED! Some people like Azazel come through the drive through for a quick bite to eat and then they drive off into the sunset never to be heard from again. Others come in, sit down, and have a nice big meal. Chasm you’re neither, while you’ve decided to come in and eat, you’ve done your shopping from the dollar menu your entire career. Then here comes Raven Goggles waving a nice juicy Big Mac known as the World Heavyweight Title in front of your face, the only catch is that fifteen other XWF wrestlers were staring at the same meal but only one will get to eat at Xmas Xtreme. Unfortunately for you Chasm, I was one of those fifteen other superstars and even though there are now only seven other men left we are all getting hungrier by the day. I’m probably the hungriest man in the tournament Chasm because I never got to defend my heavyweight title. No, I dropped my world title to Blizzard in order to step in as Anarchy Gm for the good of the XWF. Its time for me to have another taste of what its like to be the world champion and I’ll be damned if I let you beat me on the way to your one “taste” of greatness. I'll see you in the ring Chasm and when its all said and done it'll be my pleasure to send you back to hosting Deal or No Deal.
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