Diabolique's Autopsy

Thoughts Of A Hustla

Well, well, well, here we go again, back at it like a mutha fuckin crack addict and it feels great. I haven't even been here that long and I've already managed to make every champion in the PWE look like shit and have managed to piss Cristian Connolly off, YOU GOTTA LOVE IT!!!! That isn't what its all about though, you see this time its about more than making people look dumb and beating the hell out of people. Hell it isn't even about wins and losses anymore thats why I'm here in the PWE instead of in the XWF where that shit actually matters. Nah, this time its all about having fun and more importantly, ITS ALL ABOUT ME! For far to long I've had to share the spotlight with the likes of T-Money and Sewaside, sure I had a large share of the spotlight BUT I WANT IT ALL! The Blood Hounds were kind of like Deathrow records, together we made history and separately we still made history which is what I will continue to do. Oh, I'm Ice Cube by the way cuz I dropped two niggas now I'm makin all the dough! If you think for one second that I can't survive without them or that I'm somehow weaker without them backing me up all I can say to that is COME HOLLA NIGGA! I STAND ALONE! I sure as hell didn't need them when I shit all over every title this federation has with absolutely no repercussions because every single "champion" you have in PWE either has or is a pussy. Seriously what the fuck is the deal here? Your telling me that a bunch of bitches who are better equipped to be the stars of a bukkake video are the best PWE has to offer? Not only that, Hawaiian Hardhead has bigger tits than Diabolique and Tomoko combined. Man I don't even want to do it to them but ya'll mutha fuckas are just making this shit way to damn easy for me. I been out the game for damn near a year and this is what I come back to, I get Diabolique in my first match? Come on C2, really? Why the fuck are you being so cruel to this woman? But okay man, your the boss, I'll destory her but its on your conscious not mine.

*Our scene opens as we zoom in on your hero and mine, the thorn, nah fuck that, the harpoon lodged in the side of Christian Connolly. Thats right, I'm talkin about the one and only K-Money. K-Money has on a light green surgeon outfit complete with face mask. As the camera pans out chills start to run up and down the spines of weak stomached and weak hearted people everywhere when they realize that K-Money is in a morgue. Not only that, on the table sitting behind him lays the naked body of a women that looks quite close to the PWE Vicious Champion, Diobolique. Unlikely for all the perverts out there, her girly parts are blurred K-Money removes his facemask and begins to speak*

K-Money:So, it seems as though Diobolique can get by with being "different" and playing mind games. Well how about I make it easier for everybody to see what exactly it is that makes her tick.

*K-Money puts his mask back on and grabs a scalpel from the table, he begins to slice across the womens chest when all of a sudden she sits up screaming bloody murder. K-Money jabs the scalpel into her neck repeatedly until she finally just lays on the table making a disturbing gurgling sound. The now blood covered K-Money removes his mask to speak again. *

K-Money:Sorry bout that, technical difficulties for my lawyer anyway.

*K-Money now gets back to work, he cuts her chest open then starts punching breaking apart all the bones in his way because hes a fuckin beast like that. K-Money now just starts ripping stuff out, it looks kinda like the start of the "Two Girls One Cup" video. He just keeps pulling out handfuls of what looks like brown ice cream from her chest until he finally rips a very undersized heart from her chest and holds it up to the camera*

K-Money:Looks kinda fragile to me

*K-Money taps her heart with his index finger and it shatters like glass. K-Money shrugs and goes back to the woman. K-Money pulls out his 9mm and puts the gun to her head and pulls the trigger repeatedly splattering brain matter all over the floor. K-Money now begins to dig through it until he finds exactly what he is looking for, its a small piece of the brain about the size of a nerd (the candy). He picks it up and holds it up to the camera*

K-Money:Exactly as I expected, undersized originality gland.

*K-Money shakes his head and looks disgusted as he slams the gland to the ground and removes his facemask.*

K-Money:Well these PWE dumbasses may not be able to figure it out but Diobolique is exactly as I expected, a little bit of originality, a fragile heart, and loads and loads of BULLSHIT! You see Diabolique you don't frighten me because the mind games you try to play, I PLAY THEM BETTER! The image you try to portray inside the ring as this master of brutality, BEEN THERE DONE THAT! As a matter of fact, I actually have killed somebody in the ring bitch, that cemetery of yours is lookin mighty empty. Of course I'm sure within your little weak ass metaphors its quite full but I don't have to live within metaphors to make myself look good. I destroyed every champion at Cyberslam that this pathetic excuse for a wrestling federation has to offer and haven't even gotten a single retaliation for it, why? BECAUSE YOUR MY BITCHES!!!! All of you knew what the deal was as soon as you saw who the masked man was, had it been some little mid card chump trying to make a name for himself he probably would have gotten the shit kicked out of him ten times over. However because every last one of you knows that inside the ring and in these promos I'll fuckin own you so bad that it'll make C2 feel better about himself. Seriously Diabolique, how many main events have you been involved in with your little vicious title? From what I've seen your matches are usually stuck towards the bottom of the card were they belong. However you get booked in a match with me and suddenly your in the main event, YOUR WELCOME! You see thats what I do for people like you, I can elevate even the crappiest of wrestlers to main event status and lets be honest here Diabolique calling you crappy is giving you way more credit than you deserve. You see there is a reason that your merely the vicious champion and aren't the Universal champion, you aren't good enough for that. Its kind of like how Zach Rizza was 5 billion time XWF xtreme champion, it wasn't because he was good, HE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT WANTED THAT PIECE OF SHIT! It would be different if you were actually doing something for the title but your not, your just holding it and beating the piss out of every little jobber C2 throws at you, its still the weakest title in the PWE when it comes to prestige. Ask C2, he knows all about what it means to take a title and make it far better. You know like when I was the XWF cruiserweight champion and challenged and beat him while he was the XWF heavyweight champion. Thats the kind of shit I'm talking about, it takes more than beating a bunch of nobodies to make you a great champion.

*K-Money now hops up on the table and continues to talk as he stands on the dead body*

K-Money:Get used the image of me walking all over you Diabolique because your nothing more than a stepping stone to me, just like all of the people that I've beaten who were just like you. It kinda makes me all nostalgic to be facing you because you remind me so much of the very first federation I was ever in, RMWF. My god that place was a shithole, even worse than the PWE is you can imagine that. We had two women there exactly like you, Black Widow, and Ashura. It was them who have actually made your life a living hell this week Diabolique because facing off against them has giving me the tools I need to look through all of your "I'm the most brutal bitch on the planet" bullshit and see what you really are. A sexually repressed women who just needs some good dick in her life, now if this were a few years ago I would gladly give you the rough anal sex you most desperately crave but I'm a married man these days. You could always give Hawaiian Hardhead a call, that guy is the biggest fucking dildo I've ever seen in my life, perfect for your special needs. All joking aside though Diabolique you shouldn't even need the sex anymore because as soon as C2 booked this match you were officially fucked beyond belief. I will say this though, this one promo per match shit actually benefits you and softens the blow. Instead of getting hit by a fucking tractor trailer its like your getting hit by a tractor trailer while wearing a helmet. At least with these rules you don't have to worry about me backing that tractor trailer up and rolling over you repeatedly, again, see C2 for any questions about how that feels.

*K-Money hops down from the table with a huge grin on his face*

K-Money:I have no idea why I didn't join this federation sooner its like my dream job, I mean not only do I get to shred my weekly opponents but I also get to launch repeated verbal assaults at Christian Connolly and he can't do shit about it. I mean he could try but I'd just beat him again so all the hostility he has towards me is really pointless. Not as pointless as a Diabolique promo but its pretty damn close. Why she even cuts new promos is beyond me, she might as well just splice together all the old ones and save herself some time. I actually figured I would do my homework on you Diabolique so I actually tortured myself by watching every promo and match you've been apart of here in PWE. Trust me, having to watch your promos are far more brutal than anything that you could ever do to me in the ring. After watching about two of them I felt like a fucking psychic, your always either sitting indian style doing something boring or boring people to death as you ramble on and on about how much of a badass you are. Badass no, just plain bad, yes. Why Sewaside has always had a massive erection for your work in and outside of the ring is beyond me, then again he has been a long time druggie so that may have something to do with it. I'm not impressed Diabolique, I'm not scared, and I'm not going to lose. So at Solitary be prepared to become the first of many PWE superstars that I destory.

*Our Cameras fade to black*


*****************Start Commercial*********************


*Oh you know what time it is now, its that part of the promo where K-Money pushes his products of the week, and this weeks product is going to help a lot of people in PWE. As we stare at a black screen we begin to here the voice that we have all been missing, the voice of Mr. Infomercial*

Mr.Infomercial:I'M BACK! And with the state of the PWE right now it looks as though we were right on time. It has come to our attention here at Hustle The Hardest Inc. that there is an overwhelming amount of Asians here in PWE. Seriously this shit looks like the Asian restaurant scene from Kill Bill, when one goes down another one pops up, they're like roaches. We don't blame them though, Tomoko, Tsukino Meiou, Kensuke Tamura, Masaharu Tanabashi, its not your fault but we can help you.

















Mr.Infomercial:Thats right, thanks to Hustle The Hardest Inc.'s partnership with the truth ministry we have been able to acquire the services of the best back alley surgeons money can buy. With the advancement in science these days and the use of their state of the art facial reconstruction equipment (baseball bats and duc tape) we can cure being Asian! The amazing part is that it will only cost you one payment of $2,000, WHAT A DEAL! So what are you waiting for, call us today at 212-660-2245. Oh and Christian Connolly don't worry we are currently working on turning black people white. Just don't judge us because of the whole Michael Jackson thing, that was our bad, we put just a little to much jesus juice in the bleach. Trust us, we have all the kinks worked out now.....we think.

*****************End Commercial*********************

*Our scene now re-opens as we join K-Money on the set of "Rome Is Burning" about to be interviewed by the one and only Jim Rome. Of course since K-Money is no longer showing Diabolique just how idiotic her mind games are he has lost the surgeon outfit and slipped into something more fitting of his tax bracket. K-Money has a thick platinum chain dangling from his neck complete with a diamond encrusted dollar sign pendant, MY GOD! The light just hit it, I think I'm blind! No wait I can see again, I can see K-Money's blinged out watch, I can see K-Money's blinged out rings, and I can see that boulder of a diamond about to rip K-Money's ear from his head. Seriously, even this man's ears are beastly, he could probably rip phone books in half with his eyelids. Anyway, back to the mans clothes. He has on a Louis Delmas detroits lions jersey (rookie of the month bitches), some black Ecko jeans, and versace sneakers just to make sure his outfit costs more than your fuckin house. The Jim Rome show now goes live and he begins the interview*

Jim Rome:Welcome back to Rome is buring, my guest for today is K-Money, welcome to the show.

K-Money:Its nice to finally be here

Jim Rome:We've been trying to get you on the show for years

K-Money:What can I say, I'm a busy man

Jim Rome:Speaking of that, your officially out of retirement right?

K-Money:Nah man, I never use that "r" word, I just take extended vacations. But yeah I'm back at it and I've got my first PWE match coming up this week. I would tell your viewers to tune in but I already know they will.

Jim Rome:Well confidence is something you've never lacked. Are you sure you should be back, especially at the weight you are. I mean your whole career you've done your damage as a cruiserweight and made a living just being insanely faster than most of your opponents.

K-Money:Well Jim I've had some injuries over the years that have taken a step or two away from me as it is so I figured since I can't be as fast as I used to be then I should be stronger than I used to be. Don't get me wrong though I'm not like Hawaiian Hardhead, you won't see me lumbering around the ring like a damn zombie, I'm still pretty damn quick. Besides, I'm the same weight now as I was when myself and T-Money were tag champions. Also a lower weight was kind of like a henderence because people always want you to bring talent to the lightweight divisions and you end up getting passed over when they give out the real title shots.

Jim Rome:Well said. Now your promos are always pretty graphic but I hear the reaction to the latest one you've been working on is pretty horrible.

K-Money:Man, people just take me too seriously sometimes and can't tell when joking and when I'm not. I've got a pretty sick sense of humor and I like to play with peoples minds. The latest thing that is making the FCC shit its pants is because it looks like I brutally murder this woman in my latest promo. It was all special effects and camera tricks people, get a life. All I was doing was showing Diabolique that anybody can jump in front of a camera and be the scary master of brutality that she claims she is. Just be warned Diabolique talking the talk and walking the walk are two totally different things, right now especially since you have yet to face an opponent of my caliber in PWE. Its kinda like you've been going at it with these little .22s but now your getting into the ring with a .50 caliber cannon.

Jim Rome:Well thats not really fair, there isn't anybody your caliber in PWE which makes me wonder why it is you chose PWE over XWF.

K-Money:Its real simple Rome, I don't want or need the added pressure. Sure the people in PWE know what I've done in the XWF but it really doesn't matter because that was the XWF and this is PWE. If I go back to the XWF it truly doesn't matter who I'm facing because they are going to hit me with their best shot just because I'm K-Money. Now there is no doubt in my mind that I can beat anybody on that XWF roster but having people gunning for head on a weekly basis is how you get burnt out, quick. I'd rather come to PWE and be the hunter instead of the hunted, in PWE I have no reputation to defend, hell I'm 0-0-0 right now, I'm a nobody. The pressure I would have had to deal with in XWF is that same pressure that Diabolique is having to deal with this week. I've already called her out on her bullshit gimmick and worthless wins over mediocre competition so its up to her to prove me wrong. If I win, I just stopped the "mighty" Diabolique in my first match but if she wins all she did was get a victory over a wrestler thats 0-0-0 and hasn't been in a wrestling match in over a year, how impressive.

Jim Rome:Okay, I get where your coming from with that. I got just got one more question for you man, a two parter. What keeps you coming back to wrestling? It obvious it stopped being about money a long time ago. Also when do you think enough will be enough and you hang up the boots for good.

K-Money:Come on Rome, M.O.E. man, Money Over Everything, its always about money. Its also about the legacy I leave behind because I'm all about making sure people remember me. They always told me I couldn't make it and that I would never amount to shit because I cursed like a sailor and found the line of what was acceptable just so I could cross it. But here I'am still going strong and I'm willing to bet my first PWE promo gets double the ratings of any other promo put out this week. As for retiring, I doubt I ever will, I'm gonna keep in shape like Ricky Steamboat just in case.

Jim Rome:Again, thanks for being on the show.

K-Money:Anytime man

*With that the cameras fade to black*